After 5 urgent calls to my OB, I finally just heard back from her. She thought I was freaking out about my 1st trimester results, and so put off calling me to the end of the day. 1st trimester results were fine; she couldn’t figure out why my messages were urgent. The good news: I am probably okay, but may need to wait until tomorrow morning to be sure. In a nutshell:

• She signed off on something last week that she thinks was the 2nd trimester bloodwork results. No problem whatsoever with those numbers. Otherwise she would have called me. I know she’s not kidding about that.

• They just moved their office and everything is chaotic. The supposed 2nd trimester results should be scanned and in the computer. They are not. So she needs to make sure that what she signed off on really were the right test results (may have been 1st trimester.)

• My first trimester b/w and u/s were outstanding. They were calculated on both my age and the donor’s. Even when calculated on my age, the numbers were really good; when calculated on the donor’s age, they were rockstar. Dr. B says that based on my 1st trimester results, she would be really surprised if the 2nd trimester results would put me in the danger zone. Also, she said that they probably would have seen signs of developing neural tube issues on the 1st trimester u/s, so she is doubtful that this is an issue.

• She says worse case scenario is that I got a false positive (and confirmed that they happen a LOT.) If that is the case, we’ll discuss next steps but she said that she is doubtful she’ll recommend amnio. It just doesn’t make sense to do that. I think I kind of agree, at least right now.

• She is calling right now to get results, will try to get back to me this evening. Otherwise, first thing tomorrow.

• If in fact I had a positive screen and required genetic counseling, they do not deliver this info via a form letter. I would have gotten a phone call from the genetic counselor, which I definitely have not. So she is confused as to why I got that letter. I am wondering if in fact this is the letter they send out after all tests. I got something similar after the 1st test. Read it, shred it and forgot about it. It’s possible that I got the EXACT same letter after the 1st test and this is just what they send, and I misinterpreted it to think that something was wrong with the 2nd test results. Pregnancy hysteria, anyone?

She had another patient have something similar. She even spoke with the genetic counselor to make sure the test had been run correctly. Her patient had amnio and was fine.

If it’s a FP, I will try to have a high-level ultrasound. I really don’t like the idea of amnio, and for whatever reason, my gut just says don’t do that.

I asked her again about MTHFR and whether I’m doing all that I should. I asked her how many patients of hers have MTHFR. She said she couldn’t tell me because it’s not something they routinely test for. She reiterated that my homocysteine levels are fine and therefore I don’t need Lovenox. She said the amount of folic acid I’m taking is fine (especially as it’s the metabolized form.) I also asked about Vitamin B levels and I think what she said about that is that as I’m taking the metabolized form of folic acid (FolaPro/Metagenics), I don’t need to worry about Vitamin B. Vitamin B is needed to help your body metabolize the folic acid; not necessary with this brand. To be very honest, I have some concern that she hasn’t dealt as much with the whole MTHFR thing as I would like. I don’t feel like she is brushing it off, but she is definitely not in the camp that feels I need more than what I’m doing right now. I am choosing to trust her, because I think she’s a really good doctor. And she does not appear to be clueless about it. In fact, she’s quite knowledgeable. So, I am trusting her opinion.

The whole Lovenox camp has never sat well with me and I think that a lot of women and their doctors will try anything and end up on drugs they don’t need. I do not have Factor Leiden or any of the other blood clotting disorders, so Dr. B’s opinion makes sense to me. I pray to God that I will not regret this decision one day, but my gut is telling me to continue on the path I’ve been on. If you’re going to lose a baby because of MTHFR, it’s often early. I’ve read some things on Dr. Google about late term loss and MTHFR, but not as much. So, it seems like if I was going to lose the baby because of MTHFR, it would have happened by now. Also, all of the mid or late term loss stories I’ve read have been women who did not know they had MTHFR and were not on extra folic acid or baby aspirin, as I am.

So… thank you all so much for your words of support. It was a really hard day today. And yesterday. I cried and went to Doom and Gloom. I just couldn’t keep up the ol’ stiff upper lip. I have been through so much and I’m so tired. I am so, so tired. I just want to have a baby. I just want everything to be okay.

I felt a lot of pain as I was out and about this weekend and I would pass children. I was held up in the grocery store line while the clerk chatted merrily away with the next customer. She then explained to me that the woman was a former employee. ‘She left and went to school! And now she has a baby!’ I felt that awful, jealous, sad, hollow, empty feeling that I’ve read on other women’s blogs and could never really relate to. I have been blessed in that my work and lifestyle have shielded me from coming into contact with women who have babies. But now… now that I am so close… I can begin to feel what loss or the end of the road would feel like. I don’t mean to be morbid by going there, it’s just what I am feeling. And I certainly won’t dwell there. But oh, dear God, please, please, please do not ever let me end up there. I don’t know if I could survive it, I really don’t.

As I drove home yesterday, tears streaming down my cheek, one of my favorite Stevie Wonder songs came on the radio, ‘Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing’. Now, when Saint Stevie dies…. THAT will be a day of national mourning if you ask me. Can’t really say I feel that way about a certain other pop star. But that’s beside the point. The song kept me from completely losing it yesterday. I have a mild interest in the paranormal, as I’ve had some interesting experiences surrounding my father’s death and other things, and I’ve read that you should pay attention to those little coincidences that happen. That it is your loved ones reaching from the beyond when you need it most. And I have to say… that is exactly what I felt yesterday. It was either my father or my brother (or both), and they were telling me that all would turn out okay and not to worry.

Or, I’m just an overly emotional, hormonal, freaked-out pregnant lady who is willing to grasp at any straw, thread, filament or otherwise in moments of panic. Nah… I think it was my father and brother! (haha!)

Update: As luck would have it, the woman I met with yesterday went through this same shit. They called her and told her her baby had Down’s. She freaked out, had amnio, all is fine. I googled the crap out of this last night; apparently, there is an extremely high rate of false positives on the 2nd blood test that you do with this Early Trimester Screening. A lot of women opt to not do the 2nd blood test because there are so many false positives. Oh, and if you’ve conceived with donor egg, there is a very good chance they have f’ed up your age with the donor’s age. Next step will most likely be a high-level u/s. If that is okay, I think I will most likely refuse amnio. If not, I’ll probably do amnio.

Why the FUCK do they make us go through this? 1-2 out of 50 women will actually have a problem; most will not. That says to me you’ve got an f’ed up test that needs some serious overall. As if pregnant women don’t go through enough, and women who have had to go through ART get a double-dose. Jesus!

Because the worry and fear never seems to really be over when you’re pregnant… I have another round of The Scary to deal with. This time, of the AFP, not the bleeding kind.

I think it’s elevated AFP. I got the news an hour ago in a form letter from the state. No details in the letter, of course. No word from my OB. I’m assuming (praying!!!) that she is not overly concerned. Not like her to let me get news like that in a form letter.

I don’t know for sure it’s elevated AFP, but from what I can tell, that is most likely. The form letter says that because of the results of my 2nd trimester bloodwork (which I did at just after 16 weeks) I am ‘eligible for genetic counseling.’ Oh joy.

I am of course panicking because of MTHFR. My OB said that this 2nd blood test would check for spina bifida and neural tube defects. Neural tube defects are caused by lack of folic acid. MTHFR makes it hard for my body to absorb it. I’m on 1.8mg/day, in a form that is pre-metabolized so my body will have no trouble absorbing. A lot of people don’t know about this pre-metabolized form, amazingly. An accu I saw told me about it. My OB has assured me 1.8mg is fine, although I’ve seen other women on 4mg, 6mg a day. I just read an article that too much folic acid can lead to cancer. Which way do you turn???

If there is reason to be really concerned and my OB has let me find this out in a fucking state form letter, I’m going to be pissed. I just tried to call her; emergency calls only on the weekend.

What does this mean? She may tell me I need amnio (fuck!). I keep hoping that because she hasn’t called, she’s not super concerned. Apparently, there is a super high rate of false positives with this test. And often, if you’ve done DE, they mess up the ages and calculate based on your age. Even though you indicate clearly to them the age of the donor. It’s a state-run test; I am frankly not surprised.

As is so happens, I met with a woman today who had her daughter through DE. We had a lot of war stories to share. Her daughter was so beautiful and so sweet (!!). In a frantic search through all the posts, I found one of hers (we ‘met’ through the forum) and she went through the same shit.

I’m pissed. I feel like I am put through so much. Can’t I just be pregnant and have a happy pregnancy? Haven’t I been through enough?

What the FUCK will I do if an amnio comes back with bad results? I can tell you right now, I am not okay with a child that has developmental issues. I’m not cut out for it and I have not trouble with that. You have to know what you can/can’t handle. And I could not handle that. But what the hell would I do?

Just told the DH and he initially freaked (and looked so sad – it broke my heart!) but we talked and decided that we are also probably fine. But the fear is there.

Would love to hear from anyone else out there who has been through this.

Just… fuck. Why does this shit ALWAYS happen on the fucking weekend?

I hate to be a blogging cliche and say ‘oh, I had so much to say and I thought of the perfect post as I was standing in line in the grocery store’… but I did/do have so much to say. It’s too late and too much to get into one post. I’ll just say a lot has been whirling around in my head lately, including:

• feeling suddenly very worried that maybe I should be on Lovenox because of my homozygous MTHFR (C-gene version, the ‘worst’ kind); have since decided that if both my RE and OB say no, I’m okay with that… but the worrying…

• worrying about the economy and how we’re going to stay afloat financially – normally a very slow time of year and our cash reserves are already on caution

• potential of mandatory swine flu vaccinations in the fall – I am suspcious and mistrustful of putting such a new vaccine in my pregnant body

• wondering/worrying why I’m not feeling a lot of kicking in the past few days

• comforting myself with a belly that is definitely getting bigger; just had to change sweatpants because the other pair I couldn’t get on, this pair is just barely comfortable

• worrying about my BP > saw a very high number at first tonight, went down on the 3rd take = more regularly testing (I slacked off for a while)

• worry about the economy. A lot. This blog isn’t the place for a discussion on this but let’s just say I’ve had my eyes opened in the last 6 months as to how our country is really run and I don’t like things I’m hearing and reading. We’re in a lot of trouble, economically (and otherwise), and when you start to look at how we got here… It’s disturbing stuff and it leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless and worried about my child’s future.

There’s a lot of worrying in that list, you’re probably thinking. Well.. yes. I do have a lot of good days and moments. I probably seem a little splintered on the pregnancy front. Last week I’m believing, this week I’m worried… well, a lot of the worrying is really about non-baby things.

When I stop to think of how it was not so long ago… I read someone’s blog, she was talking about being 17 weeks… and it seemed so, so far away. And look at me now.

I need to be more patient.
I need to focus on the positive.
I need to focus on all for which I am grateful.

Sometimes I think I should blame it all on my husband’s state of mind. He’s  a worry-wort — far worse than I — and I think it rubs off. Not knocking him, he’s a good man… but sometimes managing his fear (not for him, but the effects of his fear on ME) is tiring. I feel like I’m swimming upstream in a sea of fear, anger, mistrust and depression. And no, he’s not going to a shrink any time soon… I’ve tried… LOL

We had a good talk tonight. He’s going to try a new way. We are, together, actually. I’m not an entirely guilt-free party (it usually takes 2 to tango, n’est-ce pas?) and I’m encouraged that he suggested a new way of approaching our lives, starting tomorrow.

In just two weeks, I will be 5 months. I cannot believe it. I’ve told two more people in the last few weeks. The support feels good. Pissed at my close friend who said he’d call tonight to talk more about it and never did. I suspect some baggage between he and I is why the call never came through. He was into me, I wasn’t, but we agreed our friendship was too good to let go. But I think it interferes still. So I don’t resent him, even if pissed, because if he still feels something that I don’t… I could understand that calling to hear me talk about my baby that he didn’t father could be a little much.

Have you ever had a friendship like that? With someone of the opposite sex that you totally dug mentally, emotionally, intelligently… but felt nothing for physically? I have long pondered the question of whether men and women can really be friends. Every time I’ve tried it’s never really been a smooth process. And I prefer the company of men, much of the time. So… it’s tricky.

Ramble much? This post has no direction and I’ve decided that’s okay.

I am 18 weeks pregnant. Still. Come on baby, please kick more! I need to know you’re there, every day.

If you’re reading this and you just got your BFP… or you haven’t cycled yet… or you’re 6 weeks along wondering how you’ll ever make it to 18… it can happen. It DOES happen. I’m living proof. Try not to worry too much. Good things do happen, every day. I pray that you will get there too… soon.

So, one thing pregnant ladies get to enjoy are stuffier noses and in my case, sneezing fits. I usually sneeze a few times in the morning. Today, I counted 11 sneezes in a row. And not just little ‘achoos’, these were rock-yer-body sneezes. Kinda’ felt good in a way. What is it they say about sneezing and sex… lol?

And so here I am at 17 weeks and the amazement and thrill does not stop. I’m starting to feel like making it to 20 weeks (a heretofore far-off and possibly unattainable milestone) is very much going to happen. And beyond, even. So much so, that I’ve put together a Baby Gear Essentials list this morning. I’ve been reading that the time to do all the organizing, buying, setting up, etc., is NOW because third trimester can kick your ass again.

My list, copied from WebMd, is TWO pages long. Granted we won’t be getting all of that stuff. And as we’re in a loft and there is no baby bedroom, there’s a ton of decorating we won’t need to worry about. Which I kinda of regret, but then again, I have enough to do. We may have landed a very big and important project (that is very $timely$ indeed, damn, I hope we get it!!) and I might have enough on my plate in the next few months. On the other hand, I would have totally loved decorating a baby room, but we won’t be in this loft much longer. The baby will sleep in our room for at least the first year and we’ve already started a short list of where we’d like to relocate. Kaliforn-i-ay has lost its charm, to say the least, and we’ll most likely be relocating to either Chicago or the East Coast. I’m jonesing for the East Coast right now. We’ll see how that goes. So at some point, I’ll get to decorate a baby room, but for now, I’m okay to pass on that. Just getting a baby is almost beyond my wildest dreams in many ways.

And shopping for darling little baby clothes ain’t a shabby second. I’m just trying to decide when to actually go for this stuff. It still feels a bit early. Second trimester lasts through 27 weeks, so maybe around week 24 we’ll start actually buying and I’ll spend the next couple of weeks making up my mind. That might even entail a visit to a BABY STORE. Oh my god, did I just say that? Me, in a baby store. That’s trippy.

Even more trippy (and actually, totally burying the lede, should have been the headliner): I’m pretty dang sure I felt kicking on Tuesday night. Woke me up around 2am-ish. Little pings on the right side of my belly bump that felt like nothing I’ve ever felt. What is also trippy is that for the last week I’ve been kind of obsessed with when I would feel kicking. It was as if baby was saying ‘oh, momma, I’m kicking, don’t worry!’ I’ve also felt waves and turning that I’m pretty sure was the baby turning over. Other than mind-blowing sex, a sweet but distant memory these days (lol!), it’s the coolest feeling I think I’ve ever felt. Keep kickin’, Little Twinkle!

There’s so much more I could write, but must run for now. Hope everyone in Bloggyville is sittin’ pretty or soon will be.

It’s a totally happy afternoon. I am on my post OB appointment high and checking on my bloggy friends to find that the darling Sky had the most incredibly awesome DE cycle at good ol’ CCRM. Now, it’s a little puzzling to me because it sounds like some of her embryos were about were ours were… but we got no grading whatsoever whereas she got all kinds of letters and numbers. Water under the bridge, but I’m curious about that. No matter, head on over and give the girl a cheer cuz she ended up with 14 beautiful embryos in addition to the one she transferred. Almost all were very high grades. I think she’s pregnant, personally. Sky has given me (and I’m sure many others) so much wonderful support throughout my darkest moments, and my best too… I will always be grateful for that, m’dear!

Dr. Beautiful was especially beautiful today, and we had a good appointment. She wanted to know how I was doing, etc. We talked about my sleep issues. Normal, actually. I might be getting a bit less sleep than I was before, but not much. She said that often your body will switch over to ‘Baby Time’, meaning babies are nocturnal and do their thang while you are trying to catch your winks. Which also means that there is a chance I could end up with insomnia as things move along. Good times. She said the only thing for that is just to go bed earlier. We’ll see…

I had my 2nd migraine of the month on Thursday through Saturday, off and on. I get them now and then when not pregnant, sometimes very regularly. Have always thought they were hormonal, came a week before my period. She confirmed that they are and that women who get the hormonal kind often get them more often in pregnancy. Oh. Boy. Cuz they hurt like a motherfucker. I normally take Excedrin Migraine, but didn’t dare now. Dr. B said I actually could take it but I’m going to leave that as a last resort. This time I figured out something almost as good as EM: hot and cold compresses. I was able to get the pounding pain to stop with those. It kept coming back, but at least I could keep in under control.

After those discussions, we listened to the heartbeat. Oh, the heartbeat. Such a magical sound. She agrees with me that the home Doppler’s aren’t worth it and can cause a lot of stress. Either they don’t work, or you don’t know where to put it to hear the thumping. And the really fabulous part there is this: I think… not sure… but I think after today I am really starting to relax and trust this. I know I’ve said it before, but something about this appointment was a milestone in my head. I give myself permission to regress, but damn, I feel good this afternoon and I really hope I can stay in this mode. I deserve to enjoy my pregnancy and I am so sick of the killjoy of doomsday thoughts putting a damper on my joy. My hard-earned joy.

So… I just told a former client/friend and I’m going to call another friend when I’m done with this post and tell him too. Take that, Mr. Doomsday!

I picked up a pregnancy mag in the doctor’s office, full of all kinds of momma and baby gear. I’m not going to go overboard on anything but some of that stuff looked pretty cool. I really like the cloth baby slings. I think babies do best when they are held and touched a lot. Basically the women in Africa and Asia that you see doing this to this day still have got it right, and I’m glad to see Western culture adopting this. And how great to be able to care for your baby and carrying him/her around with you.

Saw a pillow thing for your boobs which I thought was funny at first but depending on what happens with my girls, could be handy. I’m wondering what is going to happen as they are bigger but don’t seem a ton bigger than they got in 1st trimester.

My belly has taken another small but visible pop this week. I think I will post a pic, but not for a while. I want to wait until I’ve got a nice round bump.

Feels good to say that I’m going to have a bump. Cuz you know what… I think I’m going to have one! Youpee!

So, here I am, 16 weeks. Feeling happy and still a bit anxious. I flip back and forth. I look at my belly a hundred times a day and ask my (patient) husband if I look big enough. I don’t think I’ll get comfortable, really, until I look like I’m 9 months pregnant. I am impatient. I keep thinking about getting a Doppler, but I don’t. I think I would still worry even if I could hear a heartbeat on a regular basis. I have my OB appointment on Monday, and I am doing my best to keep doomsday thoughts about how that will go out of my head.

I did two reveals this week: the dentist and an acquantaincy-type-friend. Had to tell the dentist because of x-rays (didn’t do them) and seriously considered rescheduling the appointment until after my OB appointment next week. The dental tech was nice but I kept getting this feeling she was checking out my belly and that it didn’t look big enough to her. She kept talking about her other patient who was ‘really popping out’, etc., and I’m all, ‘yeah, I’m not quite there yet.’ She didn’t mean any harm but it didn’t help my anxiety level.

Then I had lunch yesterday with someone I hired. She worked on site for a few days and we really clicked, but I didn’t pursue a friendship because I tend to avoid mixing work with play. Anyway, she called me for lunch and we were having a lovely time when I made a slip about good schools and she looked at me… and just like that, out went the cat. She was happy for me and knows I’ve had losses so she understood when I said I wasn’t jumping for joy every day. We went on to have a very interesting conversation about all kinds of things: raising children today, the general status of the world/society and how things feel pretty nutty, loneliness and isolation that we both believe is pretty rampant even though people don’t talk about it much (horrors!) and how it is to find sane people to connect with much less build satisfying relationships with. Neither one of us has a ‘best friend’ any more. I have a very close friend in Ohio and my brother. My husband has his brother, primarily. I’ve heard people say ‘oh, when you get married your spouse becomes your best friend.’ Yes, that is true to a great extent, but is it enough or ultimately healthy? I think have at least a few strong outside relationships makes your primary relationship that much better.

My friend is older and does not have a boyfriend or husband, feels she missed the boat on that one and I felt very sad for her as she talked about that. Not that being single is some pathetic state… but that she felt sad about it and wished she had that best friend that you knew you could count on.

We left the lunch saying let’s do it again. I think we will and who knows what will happen?

But I digress… in other pregnancy news, I threw up on Tuesday morning (whoohoo!) It was not, however, m/s throwup but rather texture throwup which could have also had a touch of bad-hard-boiled-egg throwup. It was the texture of the over-cooked egg that really got to me and as I ran to the kitchen sink to spit it out… it quickly became me at the kitchen sink vomiting. Lovely. Better than my plate, I think. But still… How To Gross Out Your Spouse in Six Easy Lessons.

I made it to the bathroom just in time for a little more retching and that was it. So, I can officially say I barfed at least once in this pregnancy. Yeah!

I’ve been having trouble sleeping which I *think* is mostly heat related, but hard to say. I feel hot and sleeping in the buff doesn’t help. I wake up a lot from intense dreams. Last night involved Monica from friends and the old house I used to live in and this really cool old key and someone was chasing us and I had to get that key in the lock just in time… I woke up breathing hard. This happens a lot. Some nights I sleep really well, but I’m often awoken by dreams or feeling too hot. And then I’m trying my best to sleep primarily on my left side and am finding my left side is getting sore. So I turn and fall asleep on my right side but then some little voice wakes me up and says ‘you should be on your left side’ and so I turn and try to get comfortable but it hurts my shoulder and I just sound like I’m complaining, I know…

I’m not even that big yet and I’m wondering how that will affect my sleep. I’ve been trying a pillow between my knees; sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes me hotter.

Anyway, here I am, 16 weeks with nothing really earth-shattering to report (and that’s a good thing!) and maybe a new friendship is starting and I just hope to god everything goes okay at my appointment on Monday.

Hope all my bloggy friends are doing okay.

My last post generated some interesting conversation, not to mention comments. My favorite:

I think you need to sit down and think about if you are prepared for posting posts such as this one and then being all uppity when someone comments that you don’t agree with.

That one had me laughing. And so interesting as it is such a great example of what I was referring to at the end of my post: the Right Way Thinkers who get really bent out of shape and start attacking should you dare to speak up about a controversial topic and have a position that does not follow the party line. If you read my responses to the comments that came in, they were anything but uppity and I have no problem with anyone disagreeing with me. Which is more than I can say for her (!)

I love that she described me as being ‘uppity.’ Isn’t that what they called President Obama in the weeks before he was elected? The connotations therein are amusing: you little upstart, how dare you speak up, etc. I can practically see her wagging her finger at me when she wrote that. LOL

Yo, ‘Peta’, for the record, I am so not about the party line. And I’d rather be an upstart than a sheep any day of the week. And I suspect you fall in the sheep category.

I knew I was going to get some opposing comments when I posted my position on this topic, although the more nasty comments were disappointing (but not that surprising.) And actually, most of y’all were quite civil, it was only two trollish sorts that got nasty, thank goodness. The whole topic really got my head spinning though. I did some further research and I found a lot of papers in the Oxford Journals that brought up the very thing I was referring to (and were in agreement with me): the potentially negative psychological consequences of intrafamily gamete donation and the fact that this is a huge unknown. And we just don’t know what the impact is going to be.

I was going to write a lot more all about that, but it’s hot and I’m too tired, but I will mention what I think are the key issues at stake here:

• The general lack of forethought that is rampant in our society and the ‘I want it now’ culture that leads us to make choices that we have often come to later regret
• Our already rather messed up society (Columbine-type shootings, reality tv shows, obsession with plastic surgery, high divorce rates and I could go on) and the impact on society of further confusion in the nuclear family
• The potential for the real ‘right-wing nut jobs’ (another name I was called yesterday) to get a hold of this issue and use it to get the whole DE industry shut down (research the recent laws up for vote in Georgia if you think I’m being alarmist)
• The potential psychological impact on the child, who has no choice in being conceived this way – you can’t predict how it’s going to impact them. Conception via donor gamete is strange enough; why bring even more confusion into the equation by using gametes that create complicated and (depending on how you see it) unhealthy relationships?

Anyway, it was good to get the upset I felt about it off my chest. But I think, at least for today, I want to move on.

So let’s talk about something way more fun: I’m at 15 weeks today! Yaaaaahoo!

My belly did some more poppin’ in the last week and fortunately, my maternity jeans arrived yesterday. Because I really cannot get any other pants on any more and I am really sick of my yoga pants. Those are great in class but way too clingy to wear around the house all day. Not to mention a client meeting.

I scored at JC Penney. On sale, found additional discounts at retail me not.com (love them!) and got them for a very reasonable price. And they’re really not too shabby. Stylish, even, flared legs, a cool stitched seam down the front. And a cute mesh, stretchy maternity top.

The jeans I got at Old Navy were awful, just awful. Word: do not get the short panel type jeans unless you enjoy having a rather stiff piece of elastic digging into your uterus when you’re driving. The tops I got from them were mostly okay.

Anyway, now I have some clothes to wear and that’s a good thing. A few more on the way and I should be covered.

I’ve been feeling pretty good, nothing scary going on and m/s is almost entirely gone. Only slight urgency/nausea feelings if I go too long without eating. The belly pop was reassuring but I still have waves of ‘is the baby still alive?’ along with general worrying about toxoplasmosis (I wash my hands like crazy) and listeria (I ate a ham sandwich – heated, but it was ham. Totally forgot. Shit!) Maybe that will go away when he/she starts moving more. Haven’t felt any more flutters.

The only odd thing is sleep. For some reason, I can’t sleep more than 6-7 hours at night. Then I have the afternoon nap, 1-2 hours. I guess I’m getting enough, although sometimes I do look pretty ragged out and tired.

But in general, it’s so good to be feeling better. This pregnancy still feels surreal. I look at the bump every morning, surveying for every tiny increase. When I try to imagine that there is a real, live human being growing (living!) inside of me… I kind of can’t really get my head around it. Just doesn’t feel quite real, not yet.

I ran across a really disturbing post on That Forum last night.

A single woman posted that she was TTC and was seriously considering using DE or donor embryo. Okay, fine, that’s all kosher if you’re up for that.

The next thing I read didn’t just floor me, it upset me: for her sperm donor, she is considering using her brother. Her. Brother.

There is nothing you could ever say to convince me that this is any different from essentially copulating with your sibling.

I was horrified and I thought that it must be a troll on the forum, trying to have some fun. So I posted a rather snarky reply which included a comment that this is essentially incest.

And then I deleted it. Not because I changed my mind, because it occurred to me that this poor thing either did not understand how DE works, or somehow didn’t understand that she would putting her brother’s sperm (in the form of a fertilized embryo) into her body.

And then I decided that it was just too icky and that I didn’t want to post at all on that subject.

And then I got a surprise: when I checked back a few minutes later, I found that the moderator had deleted her original post and apologized for my ‘cruel’ comment.

Huh?

And since then, several other women have posted ’support’ for this woman to have a genetic connection with her child using a sibling’s sperm. Did I mention that in her original post, she made reference to her brother’s ‘gorgeous eyes’ and how she’d love for her child to have those. There is an undertone of inappropriateness that came through that was really disturbing.

Excuse me? You’re talking about a woman creating a child with her brother’s sperm. What is it about unnatural unions and incest that you don’t understand?

Okay, technically, she is not having sex with her brother so it’s not incest per se. But it’s unnatural. You cannot tell me otherwise. Sisters should not give birth to their brother’s child, even if it’s only a half-child. They should not, for that matter, give birth to their uncle or their father’s child. A baby’s father (even if only genetic) should not also be his grandfather, uncle or brother, genetic or otherwise.

I was truly shocked and stunned to see these poeple flocking to her side to give support and suggesting that I should apologize. Okay, I was snarky; bad girl. But telling her that it was okay to do this?

So then I started googling the crap out of intra-family sperm donation… and I found a lot of post and references to it. Maybe not tons, but a lot. And while I understand the desire to have a genetic connection… this is just going too far.

Yes, but, sister and nieces and aunts donate eggs and nobody cares about that, right? Well, yes and no. Personally speaking, I’m more comfortable with an outside donor than someone in the family. It would be too much like my husband having had sex with another woman in my family. Call me too literal, but I just can’t see it any other way. And I still find the concept of a niece’s genetic mother being also being her niece, etc., pretty distasteful as well. And even if you did go that route, women cannot impregnate each other so the taboo factor isn’t there. It is definitely there with a male family member who has a genetic link to the woman TTC. That is an unholy union that should not happen. Period. And I think because of the fact that there is no real distinction between a genetic and biological father, it makes the whole thing even more disturbing.

Why should I care about what other people are doing to make their happy families? I care because I am now part of this generation (or two) or women who are pioneering conception via gamete donation and it upsets me to see lines being blurred. Because I think that is what is going on here. While those of us going through this like to comfort ourselves with the fact that we are the biological mothers, you cannot deny the genetic link. You cannot erase it, and I believe, you shouldn’t blur lines about the truth to get what you want, soothe your bruised infertile ego or make your in-laws happy, etc.

I can’t imagine the mindfuck that a child conceived this way would go through. And that’s assuming they are told as a huge percentage of DE children are never told of their origins, a fact which is equally as disturbing to me.

This all brings up other issues that are more political in nature that I don’t really want to go into here, but it has to do a trend of ‘right way’ thinking that I’ve seen building in this country for a long, long time. And I see it throughout the political spectrum. Call it propaganda, call it brain-washing but it’s a disturbing tendency that I see in people to subscribe to a party line and not dare to waiver from it. I’ve never studied sociology but I suppose there is a need to belong to groups that drives this. And that’s what I saw on That Forum — a bunch of women jumping in who weren’t really thinking about what they were saying. Because if you stop to actually think about what it would mean to conceive using a male family member’s sperm… it should stop you dead in your tracks, if you have your head on straight.

I don’t know what it is* in my DNA that bothers me so much about ‘right way thinking’, but it does. Bothers the DH too. We’ve had many a discussion about this and both agree. What is interesting here is that he was not born here and noticed it after a year or so of living here. And, to add a data point to my observation, an acquaintance from Scotland that I was doing music with for a while noticed the exact same thing. He found it really irritating and confounding to see Americans do this. For all our talk of freedom and liberty, we seem a little afraid to practice it. Or to speak our dissension aloud without being attacked or marginalized.

Some people might read this and think how full of judgment I am, etc. Yeah, I tried that for a while, not judging, etc. And I find that the older I get, the more I prefer to call a spade a spade. And I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

And if this post doesn’t get me some comments or lose some readers (or both), I don’t know what will… lol.

*Update: I actually do know what it is. It’s the ‘here’s how you should think’ aspect that, frankly, borders on fascism. I live in a very liberal area of the country, and I see a lot of people subscribe to a certain way of thinking that is supposed to be ‘right’ and ‘just’ and ‘fair.’ And before I get accused of being the next Dick Cheney (which I assure you I am not), I see people on the right doing the same thing. It’s the fear or inability to think (and speak!) freely without fear of rejection, criticism, or attack etc., that is so disturbing.

Don’t want to repeat myself… but I do marvel at being here. It’s so great. I still worry a lot. Am I big enough? Shouldn’t I be showing more by now? Will the baby still be alive by my next u/s? But most of the time I just decide that the odds are in my favor and I try not to torture myself.

The m/s has pretty much totally abated. No more urgent ‘must eat now’ crashes. No more aching, queasy stomach in the morning or if it’s been more than 3-4 hours since I’ve eaten. I still eat a bit more than I was. Milk is not quite as enticing as it was, but still tastes great. Some things still don’t taste quite right (meat must be very tender and if even slightly dry tastes gross) and occasionally I get very picky — a few bites and I don’t like it any more. Also, my gag reflex has gotten much more sensitive. I’ve had to figure out some tricks to get my prenatals down (head tilting, floating them down with lots of water.) Had some really bad gagging sessions where I came *really* close to losing my lunch/dinner. Apparently, as everything becomes super sensitive in pregnancy, so does the gag reflex and even lightly touching the back of the throat can set it off. Some women have problems brushing their teeth. Haven’t had that yet — phew!

Fruits, vegetables and water are my best friend these days. Pregnancy constipation (bleh!) is not and if I don’t get my daily servings… well, enough about that. Just a word to wise for any of y’all playing along and will soon be preggo yourselves.

My energy is mostly back – yeah! I still need a nap most days, but I have started to exercise a bit again. A good walk, 40-50 minutes  a few times a week. I’m building up slowly to walking every day or every other day, plus figuring out what kind of (light) weight lifting I can do. I don’t want to do yoga because a/I don’t really like it and b/wasn’t doing it before I got preggo. Dr. B said you can do almost anything you were doing before pregnancy except to keep weights to 10-15 lbs max. But I don’t think my ass is going to see a dance class for quite some time, unfortunately. Just doesn’t feel safe. Walking feels good though and I’ll start some weights this week and see how it goes.

I can’t say for sure, but I think I felt the baby kick a few weeks back. Would have been pretty early for that, but when I read the description of what that feels like in my baby book… it was exactly what I felt: a little bubble, or flutter. Very small and gentle but very there. And of course, as I haven’t felt it since, I worry about why I haven’t (!) I have felt ’something’ a few times in bed that felt less like a kick and more like a baby rolling over (?) So hard to say what that was, and again, a bit early. But I’ve heard you can sometimes feel it this early.

I’ve thought about getting one of those Doppler’s again… but I’ve read a lot of reviews that say they’re not always accurate and can cause more stress. So I’m leaning towards not getting one. Won’t see Dr. B for another 2.5 weeks. At least for now, I can hold out until then.

Okay, first the rant: OPC, or Other People’s Children.

Maybe it’s in part because I’ve been observing other people’s children with none of my own to cherish that I notice this stuff and irks me so. I like to think it’s because I do not subscribe to certain permissive methods of child rearing.

So, when you bring your children into a public, professional setting such as a BANK, you don’t let them run circles around each other and let out ear-piercing, blood-curdling screams of delight and laughter whilst they annoy the other patrons.

I couldn’t believe this lady. She sat there trying to talk logic to her 5-year old who thought it was hilarious to chase her toddler sister and make her scream. And my throat clearing and nasty glare didn’t seem to sink in much. And you can bet her children knew that and amped up the running and chasing and screaming and you could tell they thought they were being pretty cute.

You don’t talk logic to children in situations like that. This is when the word NO comes in real handy and it needs to be delivered in a clear message. And if they can’t handle that, they need to be escorted out of the room, restaurant, what have you until they’re ready to listen to Mommy. Honestly, what is so difficult about that? Are you afraid to teach your children boundaries? Are you afraid to teach your children that sometimes we need to use the Inside Voice? Are you afraid to teach your children to be polite and respectful and understand from an early age that the world does not revolve around them?

Maybe because I live in Kaliforn-i-ay but I have seen so many obnoxiously out-of-control children in stores and restaurants. And for some reason, now that I’m pregnant, I find them — or the parents rather — even more annoying. It’s really not the children’s fault, of course. They’re relying on the adults for rules and boundaries and clearly they’re not getting them. But I just wonder what happens to these children when they grow up. I understand not wanting to repeat awful childhoods and poor parenting… but going to the other extreme is just as bad.

When we went in for our nuchal transparency scan last week, it was the same thing. A pregnant mother, her husband and their 5-ish daughter. Talking in their Living Room Voices — all of them — in a waiting room where everyone else was doing their best to be discreet, etc. Like I want to know how pregnant you are? Or that you think this Orange Frosty recipe would be great and what do you think, honey? This woman also called her husband ‘Daddy.’ It was just plain weird and as her daughter was particularly beautiful, I couldn’t help wondering if there wasn’t a little Oedipal storm brewing. Heaven help them, I grew up with one of those (my oldest sister, my mother and my father) and it wasn’t pretty. And it turned my sister into a monster, to say the least.

The world feels like a crazy place, many a day, and getting crazier by the minute. And I have to tell you, I think certain parents aren’t helping much.

***

So enough of the ranting… the cat is out of the bag. I called my brother the afternoon of our scan last week. The DH told the BIl/SIL. He was on the fence about telling already but as he also decided not to attend the wedding in Paris at the end of this month, he decided that this would be a good reason on top of the fact that we simply do not have the cash it would take to fly him over there and stay in a hotel for a week. Not the mention that he actually really doesn’t like going back there. Italy, no problem, especially if I’m in tow… but not so much his homeland.

My brother’s reaction was disappointing. One of his first questions was ‘how is your health?’ which I think basically meant ‘can you do this at 44/45?’ Gee, thanks. I do love him, and I know he means well, but he can be such a total clod when it comes to being supportive. I sent him the scan jpg and I got a short reply in return. He did say that it was ‘wonderful’ and ‘great news’… but his heart didn’t seem in it. I don’t know if it was the DE factor or what, but it was pretty disappointing.

We did discuss how I’m going to break this to the rest of my family, and if I even wanted to. I do want to, but I think I will simply send them a birth announcement. I always, always, always want to type ‘assuming we get there’ after sentences like that. But lately, I’ve been refraining. Come hell or high water, I’ve got to stay positive. I’ve come to realize that constant worry is a big part of parenthood, so I’d better get used to it. I don’t want to be a ‘nervous nelly’ mother and it’s really not my style. So… I’ll let them know when the baby gets here. It’s very sad,  but there is just not relationship there. I love them, but they are so toxic and dysfunctional and wounding. If I got the comments above from the brother I do get along with… you can only imagine what those characters could dish out. There’s lots of crazy families out there. Mine is crazy AND mean. So I’m not setting myself up for that. It saddens me so much to think that my child will not have relationships with them, or their children. But I know it is for the best.

We also told our accountant and health insurance broker, as a baby has implications in both areas. Our accountant in particular was very happy as he had seen the many, many medical bills and fruitless attempts at getting any of this written off (so f*cking unfair!!!) in the past few years. A few years ago we learned that he and his wife also played the Infertility Game. They opted to go straight to adoption, and what a time they had of it. Anyway, he gets our pain… and now, our joy.

The BIL/SIL were actually pretty wonderful. Sent us an email the next day with congratulations and that they were hoping for the best for us and how excited they were to think that they’re baby could have a cousin very soon. They said that if we needed anything, anything at all, not to hesitate to call or write. Now THAT is what you want to hear from a relative. I don’t know what is going to happen with us – meaning me, DH, BIL and SIL – but wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up being wonderful friends and close. Not going to get my hopes up, but I sure wish it could be so.

We did a video conference with them and they held up the baby. So, so, so beautful he is. So perfect. And he’s a happy baby. Not all babies are, it’s very interesting. But this one just radiates happiness and contentment and that all is right with the world.

Babies give us hope. Babies remind us that we were once untainted, unscarred, unafraid and so willing to trust and be open. Babies are cool. Can’t wait to meet mine!