Well, kinda brave. I didn’t ask her because I knew the second I walked in the door of her studio that it wasn’t right. I think she’s over 31 and I wouldn’t want to have to say to her, sorry, you’re over our age limit. Even though she is.

I also think she and her darling husband had just had a fight, and fighting and infertility issues don’t mix. I’m preachin’ to the choir on that one, huh…?

I did, however, ask her for some ideas as to where I could place an ad. And bingo, she had a great one. So a placing I shall go. Right after this post.

I am now very much liking the idea of recruiting my own donor and getting her in touch with our clinic. I like the control, I like the idea of not working with an agency. I am beginning to have a very bad feeling about all of the agencies, and many of the women who have signed up as donors there. I’m sure there are some absolute gems. None of them have seemed to be right for us yet. I’ll keep looking, but I’m secretly hoping this new angle will do the trick.

I had a second slightly odd experience with another donor. I found her through the infamous ‘yellow board’. I’ve seen her in a number of agency databases, and she’s not someone I would have chosen had I know whose listing it was. Her listing on a board connected to the YB site sounded really good, so I asked her for info. She responded but left out crucial info, prompting me to send her a 2nd request. Same kind of reply - some of the info I asked for, but crucial (this time photos) left out. Third request on my part got me one childhood photo. I asked for more and got two adult shots that didn’t quite look like the same person. Except maybe if you turned one at an angle.

I sent her an email this morning saying that if she hadn’t heard from us by Wednesday, that we’d keep looking. She replied: ‘Sorry, I’m chosen, please remove me from your candidate list.’ It was weird, and I just don’t buy it. I honestly think this donor felt personally rejected because of my email, and very possibly regarding her looks. It’s true that it was not a good physical match, but nothing in my email had anything to do with that. Now, maybe I shouldn’t have tried the ‘let her down easy’ approach, but for some reason (fatigue?), I decided to go around the leaf. And then I get a terse email.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that so far I’ve been exposed to liars and possible nutjobs in my donor search. I know there are wonderful donor stories out there, and I’d really like to be part of one. So far, it’s been a little odd.

So, I’ll try the music board and keep clicking through those profiles. There were 2 from last week that I liked. Each has their drawbacks, maybe I just have to accept that and bite the bullet. That’s the next hardest part of all of this: where do I draw the line?

Towards the end of my lesson, I lost it. I find that most of the time, I deal with all of this rather well. Every now and then it’s too much and the saltwater overflows. I almost didn’t make it through the lesson. It was possibly completely weird for my teacher, but I don’t care. I didn’t like being looked at like I was a freak, something to be pitied. That was the worst part. She’s just one of those many people that really doesn’t know what the hell to say when the issue comes up. But I guess I’m still glad I asked. Maybe I’ll be real glad, one day.

And for a little more info in my other news… I’m going to be on a show that has absolutely nothing to do with babies or getting to them. Thank heavens, sometimes I just get sick of it all. It’s a food show, I don’t want to say which one exactly. Email me if you want to know when it will air (probably some time in March). I believe they have the shows on their site as well, so there I’ll be, in all my RGB, pixel glory. Mostly, I just can’t wait to see the inside of the TV studio, in action. That should be a nice distraction from matters at hand.

Today I am grateful for the beautiful sun and the break in the brutal, pounding rains we’ve had for what feels like weeks on end. It’s hard to cry when the world is so beautiful. In spite of it all.

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