I ran across a really disturbing post on That Forum last night.

A single woman posted that she was TTC and was seriously considering using DE or donor embryo. Okay, fine, that’s all kosher if you’re up for that.

The next thing I read didn’t just floor me, it upset me: for her sperm donor, she is considering using her brother. Her. Brother.

There is nothing you could ever say to convince me that this is any different from essentially copulating with your sibling.

I was horrified and I thought that it must be a troll on the forum, trying to have some fun. So I posted a rather snarky reply which included a comment that this is essentially incest.

And then I deleted it. Not because I changed my mind, because it occurred to me that this poor thing either did not understand how DE works, or somehow didn’t understand that she would putting her brother’s sperm (in the form of a fertilized embryo) into her body.

And then I decided that it was just too icky and that I didn’t want to post at all on that subject.

And then I got a surprise: when I checked back a few minutes later, I found that the moderator had deleted her original post and apologized for my ‘cruel’ comment.

Huh?

And since then, several other women have posted ’support’ for this woman to have a genetic connection with her child using a sibling’s sperm. Did I mention that in her original post, she made reference to her brother’s ‘gorgeous eyes’ and how she’d love for her child to have those. There is an undertone of inappropriateness that came through that was really disturbing.

Excuse me? You’re talking about a woman creating a child with her brother’s sperm. What is it about unnatural unions and incest that you don’t understand?

Okay, technically, she is not having sex with her brother so it’s not incest per se. But it’s unnatural. You cannot tell me otherwise. Sisters should not give birth to their brother’s child, even if it’s only a half-child. They should not, for that matter, give birth to their uncle or their father’s child. A baby’s father (even if only genetic) should not also be his grandfather, uncle or brother, genetic or otherwise.

I was truly shocked and stunned to see these poeple flocking to her side to give support and suggesting that I should apologize. Okay, I was snarky; bad girl. But telling her that it was okay to do this?

So then I started googling the crap out of intra-family sperm donation… and I found a lot of post and references to it. Maybe not tons, but a lot. And while I understand the desire to have a genetic connection… this is just going too far.

Yes, but, sister and nieces and aunts donate eggs and nobody cares about that, right? Well, yes and no. Personally speaking, I’m more comfortable with an outside donor than someone in the family. It would be too much like my husband having had sex with another woman in my family. Call me too literal, but I just can’t see it any other way. And I still find the concept of a niece’s genetic mother being also being her niece, etc., pretty distasteful as well. And even if you did go that route, women cannot impregnate each other so the taboo factor isn’t there. It is definitely there with a male family member who has a genetic link to the woman TTC. That is an unholy union that should not happen. Period. And I think because of the fact that there is no real distinction between a genetic and biological father, it makes the whole thing even more disturbing.

Why should I care about what other people are doing to make their happy families? I care because I am now part of this generation (or two) or women who are pioneering conception via gamete donation and it upsets me to see lines being blurred. Because I think that is what is going on here. While those of us going through this like to comfort ourselves with the fact that we are the biological mothers, you cannot deny the genetic link. You cannot erase it, and I believe, you shouldn’t blur lines about the truth to get what you want, soothe your bruised infertile ego or make your in-laws happy, etc.

I can’t imagine the mindfuck that a child conceived this way would go through. And that’s assuming they are told as a huge percentage of DE children are never told of their origins, a fact which is equally as disturbing to me.

This all brings up other issues that are more political in nature that I don’t really want to go into here, but it has to do a trend of ‘right way’ thinking that I’ve seen building in this country for a long, long time. And I see it throughout the political spectrum. Call it propaganda, call it brain-washing but it’s a disturbing tendency that I see in people to subscribe to a party line and not dare to waiver from it. I’ve never studied sociology but I suppose there is a need to belong to groups that drives this. And that’s what I saw on That Forum — a bunch of women jumping in who weren’t really thinking about what they were saying. Because if you stop to actually think about what it would mean to conceive using a male family member’s sperm… it should stop you dead in your tracks, if you have your head on straight.

I don’t know what it is* in my DNA that bothers me so much about ‘right way thinking’, but it does. Bothers the DH too. We’ve had many a discussion about this and both agree. What is interesting here is that he was not born here and noticed it after a year or so of living here. And, to add a data point to my observation, an acquaintance from Scotland that I was doing music with for a while noticed the exact same thing. He found it really irritating and confounding to see Americans do this. For all our talk of freedom and liberty, we seem a little afraid to practice it. Or to speak our dissension aloud without being attacked or marginalized.

Some people might read this and think how full of judgment I am, etc. Yeah, I tried that for a while, not judging, etc. And I find that the older I get, the more I prefer to call a spade a spade. And I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

And if this post doesn’t get me some comments or lose some readers (or both), I don’t know what will… lol.

*Update: I actually do know what it is. It’s the ‘here’s how you should think’ aspect that, frankly, borders on fascism. I live in a very liberal area of the country, and I see a lot of people subscribe to a certain way of thinking that is supposed to be ‘right’ and ‘just’ and ‘fair.’ And before I get accused of being the next Dick Cheney (which I assure you I am not), I see people on the right doing the same thing. It’s the fear or inability to think (and speak!) freely without fear of rejection, criticism, or attack etc., that is so disturbing.