I hate to be a blogging cliche and say ‘oh, I had so much to say and I thought of the perfect post as I was standing in line in the grocery store’… but I did/do have so much to say. It’s too late and too much to get into one post. I’ll just say a lot has been whirling around in my head lately, including:

• feeling suddenly very worried that maybe I should be on Lovenox because of my homozygous MTHFR (C-gene version, the ‘worst’ kind); have since decided that if both my RE and OB say no, I’m okay with that… but the worrying…

• worrying about the economy and how we’re going to stay afloat financially – normally a very slow time of year and our cash reserves are already on caution

• potential of mandatory swine flu vaccinations in the fall – I am suspcious and mistrustful of putting such a new vaccine in my pregnant body

• wondering/worrying why I’m not feeling a lot of kicking in the past few days

• comforting myself with a belly that is definitely getting bigger; just had to change sweatpants because the other pair I couldn’t get on, this pair is just barely comfortable

• worrying about my BP > saw a very high number at first tonight, went down on the 3rd take = more regularly testing (I slacked off for a while)

• worry about the economy. A lot. This blog isn’t the place for a discussion on this but let’s just say I’ve had my eyes opened in the last 6 months as to how our country is really run and I don’t like things I’m hearing and reading. We’re in a lot of trouble, economically (and otherwise), and when you start to look at how we got here… It’s disturbing stuff and it leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless and worried about my child’s future.

There’s a lot of worrying in that list, you’re probably thinking. Well.. yes. I do have a lot of good days and moments. I probably seem a little splintered on the pregnancy front. Last week I’m believing, this week I’m worried… well, a lot of the worrying is really about non-baby things.

When I stop to think of how it was not so long ago… I read someone’s blog, she was talking about being 17 weeks… and it seemed so, so far away. And look at me now.

I need to be more patient.
I need to focus on the positive.
I need to focus on all for which I am grateful.

Sometimes I think I should blame it all on my husband’s state of mind. He’s  a worry-wort — far worse than I — and I think it rubs off. Not knocking him, he’s a good man… but sometimes managing his fear (not for him, but the effects of his fear on ME) is tiring. I feel like I’m swimming upstream in a sea of fear, anger, mistrust and depression. And no, he’s not going to a shrink any time soon… I’ve tried… LOL

We had a good talk tonight. He’s going to try a new way. We are, together, actually. I’m not an entirely guilt-free party (it usually takes 2 to tango, n’est-ce pas?) and I’m encouraged that he suggested a new way of approaching our lives, starting tomorrow.

In just two weeks, I will be 5 months. I cannot believe it. I’ve told two more people in the last few weeks. The support feels good. Pissed at my close friend who said he’d call tonight to talk more about it and never did. I suspect some baggage between he and I is why the call never came through. He was into me, I wasn’t, but we agreed our friendship was too good to let go. But I think it interferes still. So I don’t resent him, even if pissed, because if he still feels something that I don’t… I could understand that calling to hear me talk about my baby that he didn’t father could be a little much.

Have you ever had a friendship like that? With someone of the opposite sex that you totally dug mentally, emotionally, intelligently… but felt nothing for physically? I have long pondered the question of whether men and women can really be friends. Every time I’ve tried it’s never really been a smooth process. And I prefer the company of men, much of the time. So… it’s tricky.

Ramble much? This post has no direction and I’ve decided that’s okay.

I am 18 weeks pregnant. Still. Come on baby, please kick more! I need to know you’re there, every day.

If you’re reading this and you just got your BFP… or you haven’t cycled yet… or you’re 6 weeks along wondering how you’ll ever make it to 18… it can happen. It DOES happen. I’m living proof. Try not to worry too much. Good things do happen, every day. I pray that you will get there too… soon.