After 5 urgent calls to my OB, I finally just heard back from her. She thought I was freaking out about my 1st trimester results, and so put off calling me to the end of the day. 1st trimester results were fine; she couldn’t figure out why my messages were urgent. The good news: I am probably okay, but may need to wait until tomorrow morning to be sure. In a nutshell:

• She signed off on something last week that she thinks was the 2nd trimester bloodwork results. No problem whatsoever with those numbers. Otherwise she would have called me. I know she’s not kidding about that.

• They just moved their office and everything is chaotic. The supposed 2nd trimester results should be scanned and in the computer. They are not. So she needs to make sure that what she signed off on really were the right test results (may have been 1st trimester.)

• My first trimester b/w and u/s were outstanding. They were calculated on both my age and the donor’s. Even when calculated on my age, the numbers were really good; when calculated on the donor’s age, they were rockstar. Dr. B says that based on my 1st trimester results, she would be really surprised if the 2nd trimester results would put me in the danger zone. Also, she said that they probably would have seen signs of developing neural tube issues on the 1st trimester u/s, so she is doubtful that this is an issue.

• She says worse case scenario is that I got a false positive (and confirmed that they happen a LOT.) If that is the case, we’ll discuss next steps but she said that she is doubtful she’ll recommend amnio. It just doesn’t make sense to do that. I think I kind of agree, at least right now.

• She is calling right now to get results, will try to get back to me this evening. Otherwise, first thing tomorrow.

• If in fact I had a positive screen and required genetic counseling, they do not deliver this info via a form letter. I would have gotten a phone call from the genetic counselor, which I definitely have not. So she is confused as to why I got that letter. I am wondering if in fact this is the letter they send out after all tests. I got something similar after the 1st test. Read it, shred it and forgot about it. It’s possible that I got the EXACT same letter after the 1st test and this is just what they send, and I misinterpreted it to think that something was wrong with the 2nd test results. Pregnancy hysteria, anyone?

She had another patient have something similar. She even spoke with the genetic counselor to make sure the test had been run correctly. Her patient had amnio and was fine.

If it’s a FP, I will try to have a high-level ultrasound. I really don’t like the idea of amnio, and for whatever reason, my gut just says don’t do that.

I asked her again about MTHFR and whether I’m doing all that I should. I asked her how many patients of hers have MTHFR. She said she couldn’t tell me because it’s not something they routinely test for. She reiterated that my homocysteine levels are fine and therefore I don’t need Lovenox. She said the amount of folic acid I’m taking is fine (especially as it’s the metabolized form.) I also asked about Vitamin B levels and I think what she said about that is that as I’m taking the metabolized form of folic acid (FolaPro/Metagenics), I don’t need to worry about Vitamin B. Vitamin B is needed to help your body metabolize the folic acid; not necessary with this brand. To be very honest, I have some concern that she hasn’t dealt as much with the whole MTHFR thing as I would like. I don’t feel like she is brushing it off, but she is definitely not in the camp that feels I need more than what I’m doing right now. I am choosing to trust her, because I think she’s a really good doctor. And she does not appear to be clueless about it. In fact, she’s quite knowledgeable. So, I am trusting her opinion.

The whole Lovenox camp has never sat well with me and I think that a lot of women and their doctors will try anything and end up on drugs they don’t need. I do not have Factor Leiden or any of the other blood clotting disorders, so Dr. B’s opinion makes sense to me. I pray to God that I will not regret this decision one day, but my gut is telling me to continue on the path I’ve been on. If you’re going to lose a baby because of MTHFR, it’s often early. I’ve read some things on Dr. Google about late term loss and MTHFR, but not as much. So, it seems like if I was going to lose the baby because of MTHFR, it would have happened by now. Also, all of the mid or late term loss stories I’ve read have been women who did not know they had MTHFR and were not on extra folic acid or baby aspirin, as I am.

So… thank you all so much for your words of support. It was a really hard day today. And yesterday. I cried and went to Doom and Gloom. I just couldn’t keep up the ol’ stiff upper lip. I have been through so much and I’m so tired. I am so, so tired. I just want to have a baby. I just want everything to be okay.

I felt a lot of pain as I was out and about this weekend and I would pass children. I was held up in the grocery store line while the clerk chatted merrily away with the next customer. She then explained to me that the woman was a former employee. ‘She left and went to school! And now she has a baby!’ I felt that awful, jealous, sad, hollow, empty feeling that I’ve read on other women’s blogs and could never really relate to. I have been blessed in that my work and lifestyle have shielded me from coming into contact with women who have babies. But now… now that I am so close… I can begin to feel what loss or the end of the road would feel like. I don’t mean to be morbid by going there, it’s just what I am feeling. And I certainly won’t dwell there. But oh, dear God, please, please, please do not ever let me end up there. I don’t know if I could survive it, I really don’t.

As I drove home yesterday, tears streaming down my cheek, one of my favorite Stevie Wonder songs came on the radio, ‘Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing’. Now, when Saint Stevie dies…. THAT will be a day of national mourning if you ask me. Can’t really say I feel that way about a certain other pop star. But that’s beside the point. The song kept me from completely losing it yesterday. I have a mild interest in the paranormal, as I’ve had some interesting experiences surrounding my father’s death and other things, and I’ve read that you should pay attention to those little coincidences that happen. That it is your loved ones reaching from the beyond when you need it most. And I have to say… that is exactly what I felt yesterday. It was either my father or my brother (or both), and they were telling me that all would turn out okay and not to worry.

Or, I’m just an overly emotional, hormonal, freaked-out pregnant lady who is willing to grasp at any straw, thread, filament or otherwise in moments of panic. Nah… I think it was my father and brother! (haha!)