Manual exam with Dr. B this morning:

I am 50% effaced, fingertip dialated.

She said this is normal for 2 days shy of 38 weeks. I am to call if my water breaks, have any bleeding beyond spotting, or any contractions. There was one other thing, but I can’t remember it right now.

The manual exam was slightly uncomfortable, but in her gentle hands, not that bad. I was kind of dreading it.

On a side note, I was thinking about our clinic today, good ol’ CC.RM. Haven’t heard a peep from ‘em since they took me off the meds. Actually, I did get one email. From Nurse Nasty, the first nurse that I had there (and didn’t like at all.) She emailed me at 16 weeks saying that I ’should be feeling some movement by now!’  I remember thinking, lucky for you I’ve felt a little, because that statement would probably make me feel a little nervous if I hadn’t. I guess she meant well, but I thought it was a tad insensitive. More importantly, I’m wondering if they are going to contact me to include me in their stats? If they don’t, I will officially be very suspicious of any clinic stats moving forward. There’s no way they could know other than calling Dr. B’s office and I’m not sure that wouldn’t be breaking HIPAA laws. Maybe they’ll follow up with me after my due date…? Curious if any of who’ve made it all the way to baby have been contacted by your clinics to include you in their stats…. do tell!

Well, stats or no stats, I think I’d better get our bags packed. Still have not done that, believe it or not (!) although I do have my list together.

Definitely onward.

OMG!

AFI = 10.2

Not the solid 11.5 – 13.2 I was hoping for, but much better than 7.4

Phew!

I’m drinking lots of water (but not too much!) and trying to cool my treads a bit. Thanksgiving dinner should be interesting. I may attempt to order Le Hoozband around while I sit on the couch eating bonbons. I’ll let you know how that goes (!)

Going to try to catch up on some of your posts in the next few days.

Thanks so much for the support!

Okay, so I’m supposed to be sitting on my ass but I ran out of prenatals today and so I dashed over to Whole Foods tonight to pick up a small bottle.

On the way there, I was nearly sideswiped by some asshole hurried person who seem to feel that the time it was taking for me to turn into the parking lot far exceeded the limits of my allowed turning time. It’s drivers like these that make me want to hold up a sign in big bold letters:

HEY, FUCKER, I’M PREGNANT!

Alas, I do not have such a sign nor do I plan to encourage any further road rage by flashing one. But I thought I’d let y’all know that the Holiday Crazies are officially in full swing and that you’re going to start seeing a lot of more insane, nasty, rude, impatient and angry driving from now until sometime in January when they all come down from whatever holiday high or dysfunction has taken over their rational brain.

Seriously. Look OUT cuz I predict what with the stress of this miserable economy, some people are going to be even angrier.

On a happier note, I saw a little girl with pink glitter shoes as I was waiting in line. Adorable. ADORABLE! My little girl is so going to have glitter shoes (if she wants them, of course!) I think I would have lost my mind to have glitter shoes at her age.

Such fun awaits!

Dr. Beautiful called this morning with some other test results — no Strep B, yeah!. So I had (oh yeah again!) the chance to run it by her.

She agreed that there is no reason for me to be freaking out or worrying. Advised laying low this weekend (not bedrest, just taking it very easy — hey, no problem, my favorite!), drinking 2 liters a day (but not more, too much water can be just as bad) and that there’s a good chance that things will be better on Monday. She said this often happens when women start nesting (um, yep, my activity level went up this past week for sure) towards the end. I also read on the March of Dimes web site that it is in fact somewhat common for the AF to drop towards the end. Many women don’t know this is happening because they’re not being monitored as closely as I am.

Did I mention that I lurve her? She has been the voice of reason throughout all of this.

So… feeling better.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. So much appreciated. I will be back to commenting on your blogs soon, cuz I miss my sistahs and if I have to take it easy, I’ll probably be doing it with a laptop in hand.

Okay, time to get my ass back on the couch.

Peace, out.

Amniotic fluid was 7.4 today. It’s usually around 11.5/12. That seems a big drop to me, but they told me it’s still normal. Nevertheless, I am to go back in on Monday to check it again.

I asked the nurse if I should worry. She answered with an affirmative ‘no’. 5 and below is when they will start making other plans. As in C-section. Shit. Obviously, the most important thing here is that Baby Girl stays healthy. So if it must be, so be it.

I’ve been really thirsty lately. Like, wanting to drink a big glass of water when I get up in the morning. Really cold water too, with ice. I think that is my body telling me I’m not getting enough fluids, so I’m going to up that.

Nurse said to watch the kick counts. I think I’ll go back to twice a day, just to reassure myself.

Doula says do not worry, that all is most likely fine.

Trying very hard not to freak out or consult Dr. Google too much. What I have looked at confirms what the doula said though (i.e., if fluids drops to 5 or below, it’s either induction or C-section time). I haven’t seen anything that says ‘fetal death imminent’ and that is my greatest fear.

Deep breaths.

Anyone wanna hold my hand all weekend?

Also, may I repeat, WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN ON FRIDAY AFTERNOONS?

Translation: I’m pigging out. Seriously. I have been eating well as usual, but on top of my mostly organic diet full of veggies, fruit, meats, diary and whole grains, I am craving things like cupcakes, milkshakes… and I’m happy to announce that I’ve been letting myself have them (!) Once a week, anyway. I’ve been pretty good this whole time, not going too overboard. So I’m letting myself have a few more treats this last few weeks. I feel like I deserve them and never have I been able to consume so many calories that seem to disappear for the most part into my baby/belly. Hoping there will not be hell to pay postpartum, but it doesn’t seem like I’ve gained horribly elsewhere on my body.

So, 37 weeks, still here. Have had some twinges that could possibly have been my cervix starting to open. Dr. B won’t check me for another week or so. Had one contraction thing that definitely felt menstrual cramp-ish, and my doula (yes, I said doula!) said, yep, that’s probably the start of something. Still, le hoozband and I both agree that she’s going to be late. Hoozband predicts 12/20 for her arrival. Dr. B said that could be right because she won’t let me go much later than that. So, still no induction at 40 weeks, but she’s not letting me go to 42, either. And I’m okay with that. I’m ready to meet my Little Girl!

And so yes, I have a doula. And I’m not sure, but I think she is going to be fabulous. I felt a connection with her on the phone: full of positivity and good vibes, and sincere about it too. Not tons of experience, but I she is definitely in this for the passion and not the money. Loves it.

She came over tonight and walked us through a great exercise using flash cards and choices and outcomes and got us thinking about all the possibilities. The most excellent part is that I am feeling more and more confident that I can get through this med-free. I won’t be disappointed if I don’t, but I am actually excited, if you can believe that, to try without meds. Check me on that when I’m writhing in pain in a few weeks, but as of tonight, I feel very good about going for it. Such a change from my first OB appointment when I announced that I definitely wanted an epidural.

* * *

I could write loads tonight, but I’m exhausted at 10:13pm. But I had to post to make sure I get this written down and I don’t forget.

I realized tonight that in addition to this blessed, wonderful pregnancy that has been relatively complication-free, I am so grateful to my donor for the chance to break the chain. My therapist spoke to me about this a few years back when I was seeing her. Neither of us knew that donor egg would be my fate. Not that it really matters. What does matter is how freeing this is. I have a lot of baggage attached to motherhood and in recent weeks, I have felt loads of that melting away, like mud in the rain.

I am so grateful to experience motherhood MY way, in healthy way, in a way that I can pass on to my daughter so that she does not end up running as fast and far and long as I did.

I am so grateful to experience motherhood in a way that renews that part of me that was violated, betrayed and broken, so long ago. This pregnancy has healed me, in a way I never even imagined could be possible. I feel like a whole woman again, for the first time in a long, long time.

It makes me want to write another letter to my donor… but I’m not sure it needs to be said. I could never express what I need to say in a letter… or could I? And should I? Does she need or want to know what she’s done for me? I don’t know.

Have not had time or energy to comment, but I am following all of your blogs. And wishing and hoping for all of you, no matter you are or what you’re going through. So know that there is one more person rooting for you, on top of your comments.

More next week, if not sooner!

We’re in serious showtime territory now, folks. In two weeks, labor is officially a real possibility and of course, it might come sooner.

I washed her clothes yesterday. Oh, the booties! Oh, the little caps and sleepers and swaddling squares. I giggled in delight as I spread her clothes to dry over the drying rack.

I think some sort of nesting instinct has started, at least mildly. I am doing as much as I can each day to get through my list, and barring an early arrival, I think I might make it. It’s a big list though, so some things may have to slide.

Antepartum testing continues to go smoothly. I have relaxed a bit about doing kick counts. I was doing them 4 times a day (!) to reassure myself, but I’m doing to once or twice in the evening.

My ribs are aching every day now, as are my hips. It’s my uterus/baby girl pressing into my rib cage. Must get belly shot done, as I am getting huge and time is running out!! My hips hurt so much that it wakes at night and I have to get up. Lying down for too long seems to aggravate the stretching ligaments. By the time labor gets here, I will be really ready for this to be over. I have loved being pregnant, but these aches and pains are not something I’d like to endure more than a few weeks.

On a more important front: I think we’ve found her name. We said we couldn’t do it, but having poured over thousands of names and trying to find something other than Josephine… we decided (tentatively) today that it just doesn’t matter if that is technically our cats name. We call our cat Jojo (and in fact, I tend to call her Joji); I don’t see myself calling our daughter Jojo. Maybe Phiphi or Phina (Feena?) or something like that. We both just love the name Josephine and it feels so right for some reason. We’ve tried on:

Olivia
Francesca
Isabelle

But those just don’t feel right. Am I nuts? Is this setting my beautiful daughter up for some sort of odd psychological confusion? We’re not going to decide finally until she is here, so there’s still time. What do y’all think?

Finally, wanted to let y’all know I will have little to no time for commenting on your wonderful blogs from here on out. I’ve slacked off in recent weeks due to exhaustion as well as increasing large to-do list. And it’s possible this blog will stop at some point if I get too busy. But I will definitely post once she’s here, if not before. I don’t know if I’ll get those ‘what I learned posts done’, but I will certainly try. And then at some point, I’ll start a whole new DE mommy blog and leave this one as part of my past, with my heart and head happily pointed to the future.

My goodness, I just never knew if I was going to get here. And I’m not there yet… but boy, is it easier to believe these days.

Thank you all so much for your kindness, wisdom and support. I wish all of your dreams to come true for you, and soon. Wanted to make sure I say this know in case I’m not back for a while.

9:18pm and I am exhausted.

More… MUCH more… soon. Can you believe it?

The big news this week is that I am officially looking for a doula. We had a change for the better in our finances lately (thank GOD!) and it looks like we’ll be able to afford one after all, as long as she’s not charging her weight in gold. I’ve got one candidate lined up for an interview already. Excited about finding someone who is a good fit. I am feeling more confident about attempting an all natural birth. I am keeping an open mind as there is no way for me to know how this will all go, but if I can, I’ll forgo the meds. I’m hoping I’ll get lucky and that perhaps my tall and athletic build will come to the rescue on this one. But if not… there are meds and other solutions, so we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Baby Girl was measuring around 4-5 lbs at my OB appointment a week or so ago. I asked Dr. B if she thought she’d end up around 6-7 and she agreed. But I know those measurements are notoriously off, sometimes by as much as 3 pounds. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

I’m gearing up to start washing her stuff. Things are pretty slow going around here, as I am often very tired these days. 3rd trimester has brought even more fatigue. I sort of feel like my body is getting used to it, but hard to say. I seem to have 3-4 nights where I’ll get half-decent sleep. Half-decent means several times up to pee, but able to fall back asleep. After a few days of that, I’ll then revert back to waking up at 3:00 am. If I don’t get up and eat something/fool around on the ‘Net, I’ll just toss and turn, so I just get up when that happens. It’s a weird pattern, but I’m sort of used to it by now.

Baby Girl is rolling now more than kicking. She’s starting to feel big. I like how my belly looks (no stretch marks so far!) and I have it on my list to take a decent belly shot and post it here (that one’s for you, Sky!) for all posterity and my memory. These days will soon be gone, and I think I will miss them, in many ways. I like being pregnant very much, in spite of the difficulties. I like how my body looks and I mostly love how affirming it feels — like my body can work correctly after all. Maybe it wasn’t my eggs, but my body is healthy and strong and knows what it’s doing. It could have been my eggs, I’m pretty sure, if I hadn’t missed my window. But none of that really matters any more.

After my last post, I was feeling quite a bit of sadness until Halloween. I made the mistake genius move of heading out to get some groceries at peak family hour at a local shopping center. Children in costumes everywhere. And I realized in that moment that it’s not going to matter what kind of genes she has or hasn’t — she will be my daughter, our daughter and that is all that counts. It will come up at some point… but it’s just not going to matter that much.

Antepartum testing has continued to go well. Yesterday she was pretty sleepy so they had to get out the cattle prod, but she responded okay to that so no worries. And with the way she’s been jumping around today, I know all is well.

I feel somewhat behind in being prepared. Things aren’t washed, no car seat, a bunch of other stuff on my list not purchased yet. I was holding off a bit for financial reasons, but also, it’s simply the fatigue that gets to me each day. I only have so much energy any more. Every day I say ‘you’ll get it done tomorrow’… but then tomorrow comes and I do not. I’m starting to feel some pressure.

All day baby care class this Saturday. Zee hoosband is attending. He seemed a bit surprised that he needed to come until I reminded him that I am not immortal and while I am quite healthy, I do get things like migraines and colds, etc., and it might be a good idea if he knows how to change a diaper, among other things. ‘Oh, okay, I guess I better go.’ Ya think?

I’ll spare you all my frustrations with him this week. They have been running high. I think he thinks I’m just a whiny pregnant wife. I think it’s more than that. I’m sure we’ll work it out, but it sucks to be fighting and having bad feelings right now. I wanted things to be nothing but joy from here on out. But such is life.

My back is killing me, I need to go lie down.

Wishing you all your heart’s desire without delay!

Only 41 days to go. I can hardly believe it.

Saw Dr. Beautiful on Tuesday and all is well. Learned that if I don’t deliver by 40 weeks, she will *not* induce me afterall. This is different from what she originally told me. She said that some OBs feel that IVF babies should not be in utero longer than 40 weeks. I forgot to ask her why, although it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. She seems to have relaxed quite a bit about my pregnancy in recent weeks and is treating this more and more like a ‘normal’ pregnancy. Not that she was worried, but I did feel a wee bit of reservation when it came to talking about how I am doing. She seemed to get more confident around 28 weeks or so, and that has been increasing every visit since. On this visit she said ‘you’re doing really great!’… and that was nice.

I do have to say that other than the bleeding scares and the whole early trimester screening mixup, this has been a whole lot easier than I thought it would be. I’m not saying it’s easy — cuz let me tell you, the sleep deprivation has been pretty tough and has left me a semi-zombie (although much improved in recent weeks by the addition of my humongous pregnancy pillow.) But overall, pregnancy is a much more normal and natural state than I was ever lead to think it would be. I look forward to not freaking out my daughter about pregnancy when that day comes, I really do. What was my mother thinking, honestly….???

I mentioned the feelings of sadness that have been coming up… no time to write in depth about that today. One specific aspect of that that I’ve been thinking about is genealogy. I’ve was taught to be, and always have been, interested in and proud of my genealogy. We’ve got some interesting characters in our family, including close ties to royalty and a signer of the Declaration of Independance, among others. While I don’t go around sword dancing or speaking with a brogue accent, I’ve always liked my Anglo-Saxon heritage with a tad of Dutch. I thought our donor also had English, Irish or Scottish (I’ve got all three), but I was looking at her profile again the other day, and she doesn’t. Norwegian and Polish. Looking back, her personal characteristics were so great (and they really are great), I decided I didn’t care about that. And I’m not regretting my choice of donor… but I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this.

I’m realizing that I really looked forward to talking about heritage to my child and especially, being able to say ‘and that’s where you come from!’ And that is gone now, totally gone.

I know I’m supposed to ‘celebrate’ her heritage, that’s the PC thing to do, etc. But if you’ve been reading along, you should know by now I’m not much of a PC person. I’m a free thinker/doer, I don’t align myself with any camps.

I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this one. But I know I’ve got to figure out a way to do it that is healthy and doesn’t hurt me, or her. Granted, heritage is not something I discuss on a daily basis. But it does come up.

It pains me to know that I don’t know, and never really will know, the details of the donor genealogy. What if my child wants to know these things? What if this leads her to wanting to contact the donor?  I chose a donor who was open to being contacted, but I have to admit, it brings up feelings I don’t like.

I’m sure it will all work itself out, but right now, it does bring up sadness for me.

I will be crossing some new bridges in the years to come, of that I am sure.

My weekend was a blur. A blur of information, emotions, questions, fears, tears, love, anger and more.

We attended an all-day Labor & Birthing class on Saturday. In a warmish, not very well ventilated room. With a somewhat People’s Republic of Bahzerkeley teacher. Who had more than a bit of an agenda when it comes to ‘natural’ childbirthing.

It sparked a big fight with the DH and I (that had to do with another issue we’ve been dealing with lately, but was tied to all of this.) And basically left me confused. More confident in some ways, but also still scared and confused in others.

I think the DH was kind of uncomfortable during a lot of the class, especially the parts where we had to do exercises. Probably especially the part where the teacher started showing early laboring positions. Actually, it was the groaning stuff that got to him, I think. To be honest, it kind of got to me as well. We’re both more than a little over all the groovy Kalifornia earth momma stuff. I think some of the moves she showed us will come in handy, but I don’t know about the groaning/moaning stuff. I mean, maybe I will want to groan and moan, maybe I won’t. Both of us felt, though, that being told, ‘oh, you should do this’ was a little much. But what were we thinking, seriously? A labor class in PRofB? I amazed that she didn’t go farther, actually.

Ze fact zat my hoozband eez French definitely played into things here. I have no idea how this is done in France. I have no idea if his brother attended the class, or how he ‘helped’ or not during the birth. Even if I did, it’s only one family. Maybe things are as varied in France as they probably are here?

A very famous French doctor was recently covered in the news saying that he does not believe men should attend births. He believes it’s a woman’s realm and should be left as such. And perhaps that is true. Does my husband really need to see me in such pain? Does he need to see every detail, my vayjay expanded to grotesque proportions? Or is it a beautiful thing, actually? Is birth beautiful? Or messy and strange? Or both? We watched a lot of videos during class, and I cried at every birth. I find birth a very emotional. And yes, I would use the word beautiful. Seeing a new little baby placed at his/her mother’s breast is, to me, one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Such sweet little creatures, babies.

I’m thinking/writing out loud here, folks, in case you couldn’t tell.

DH is into helping me as much as he can, but I am considering hiring a doula. I’m also considering not hiring a doula as one of the things the DH expressed after class was that he really resented the ‘oh you men, you can’t handle this’ attitude of the teacher. Or at least, he felt that she was definitely communicating that. I didn’t get that quite so much, but I respect his feelings on this. And frankly, I don’t want one of those earth momma doulas, either. It’s frankly going to feel weird to me to hire someone for what is going to be one of the most important, life-changing, soul-evolving moments of my life. How do you do that? How do you give someone $700 and say, ‘okay, let’s be super intimate and be super okay with that now’?

What I don’t want is to end up feeling alone and scared with a well-meaning but clueless husband. And I also don’t want him going through the motions, pretending to say and do things that he doesn’t feel because someone told him that’s what he’s supposed to do. I think that’s what he resents and doesn’t want to end up doing, either.

I think we’re trying to figure out how to do this in a way that is honest and appropriate for us, and doesn’t leave either one of us hanging, either.

I’m trying to ascertain how much the labor nurses can actually help you, if you don’t have a doula, midwife or family member that can really help. I’m trying to gather my thoughts so that I can ask Dr. B some coherent questions when I have my OB appointment tomorrow.

We watched one video where the woman missed her chance for an epidural (or narcotics, for that matter.) But she was so close at that point, that getting across the finish line was not a lengthy process. She narrated the interview and said that (much like me), she went in thinking she’d probably get an epidural. She didn’t regret not getting one, and felt very proud of herself getting through that, felt euphoric afterwards, etc.

That’s all great, but I’m wondering how many other stories there are about this? How many women have tried to do natural, but then couldn’t make it? And ended up in hours of very painful, exhausting labor? I’ve read some pretty gruesome stories on The Internets, so I know they’re out there.

I left the class thinking that I actually will try natural childbirth. Epidurals come with a long list of potential complications, including nerve damage, that I’m not wild about. But I’m also really very worried about ending up in some nightmare situation where either 1/I’m in painful labor for hours and can’t have meds because I’m too far along or 2/end up having to have a cesarian because it’s gone on too long and baby is in distress. I don’t want a c-section, I don’t want horrific pain and I want baby to be okay. I want me to be okay too. I want this to be a good experience, not something I’ll be afraid of in the future.

* * *

There was a whole lot more I had to say here, but then I had to take care of some other things and poof… those thoughts are gone. There are a lot of questions and thoughts running through my brain right now. Including feelings of grief that have been popping up for quite some time. I am so happy to be here, but I have had some sad feelings again about losing my genetic connection. The NYTimes article brought more of that on. I want to write about those things, because I want this blog to be helpful to other women going through this.

I am also starting to feel slightly panicky about getting everything done and ready and making sure all my questions are answered before I find myself freaking out in early labor.

Deep breaths. I’ll make it.

Hope you are making it too.