Delay was on the IP’s end. I’m quite curious, but I won’t ask because I know they won’t tell me. At least it wasn’t the donor.

I’m very pleased with the contract review. It was another financial fertility ouch, but we gained something especially good in the process: the donor agreed to put a means of contact in place with us. For privacy, I won’t say exactly what we did, but as long the Internet doesn’t crash for good in the next 100 years, I’d say we’re covered. If either of us needs to tell the other important information, we now have a way to do it. I can’t tell you the relief I feel in having this in place. Technically, it’s for medical reasons only, but I somehow think this donor wouldn’t mind if a child contacted her for other reasons. And that’s a relief as well.

So now we hurry up and wait. I’m drinking coffee again, because there’s no reason not to, and going off of it was not a big deal. I think I did sleep better without it, but so far I’ve not noticed a big enough difference to go cold turkey. And I likes me caffeine zing in the morning, yes I do.

It was odd as I typed ‘100 years’ above. I thought: this child, that we’ve struggled so hard to make a reality, will be dead in 100 years, as will I. 100 years is nothing, and yet as we all know, so much happens in the 80 or so most of us will hopefully get. And the stats say that number is climbing.

Being someone who seriously wishes she could live forever and have the chance to live many, many different lives, I hope that number does increase for most people in the years to come. Although that brings up serious questions of course, which I won’t go into here.

But it’s funny to think of it all that way… so much that will happen, so much that we struggled for… that in the grand scheme of things, will expire like a candle flame.

maks a muckle. [Scottish for 'A lot of little things make a big thing.']

And that’s about where we’re at with this whole thing. Inching closer to The Real Deal. The donor’s cycle was put off until end of July/early August, but I don’t know why yet. I’ve decided not to get nervous about that, but to keep asking until I get an answer. Should I be nervous, however, that I’ve asked the agency three times and have yet to get a straight answer? Time will tell, I guess.

The contracts were reviewed, and I consider the $800 bucks to do so money well spent as our attorney found some very important items missing including that the donor will not drink or smoke and will take prenatals through the cycle. How could that not already be in the contract? And why was I assured by the agency director [in the nicest tone you could imagine] that ‘no one ever questions our contract’…? This whole process continues to amaze me, to say the least. For the record, this agency is indeed still the nicest that we’ve dealt with, and I still think they are most likely head and shoulders above the others in terms of their ethics and professionalism. And they don’t have the ‘egg farm’ feeling that left a really offish taste in my mouth. So I try to take it all in with perspective. Ahem.

So we’re talking November or December at the very earliest. Given my feelings about Christmas, I am sure to be extra flipped out and sentimental about it all. You know, me and The Virgin, and whatnot. I was hoping for fall so I could be well into my 1st trimester come the Yule, but I guess I’ll have to white knuckle it through the holidays.

The silver lining here? DEFINITELY no traveling to see the BIL’s baby which will probably come some time around then. There will be much hoopla and freaking out and generally inability to cope, and probably quite a bit of drinking that frankly, I don’t want to be a big part of. I’ll have to raise my glass of herbal tea from afar and pray that my snark will not jilt my luck.

But oh, I’m getting so far ahead of myself. God, this just feels like it will never happen. I keep remembering that ‘hey, I haven’t checked donor profiles in a while…’, and that I really ought to be. But I don’t feel like it these days. Maybe when we get a little closer to August, so I’ll have some sort of mental security blanket waiting for me in the event of a sudden hard return to Earth.

Speaking of whiteknuckling it, I’ve been thinking a lot about Summer to whom I am very grateful for all the info she so generously logged about her own donor search. It’s not been smooth sailing for her, and I really [REALLY] hope she is out of the rough waters. Hop on over and give that girl some good thoughts and vibes, if you can.

That’s all I got. Hopefully will have more info soon on what’s going on with our Shining Hope of Fertility Sweet Dreams. Hang tight till then, babies.

Peace, out.

We finally sent off the contracts to our attorney to have them read. She has suggestions that we’ll hear about on Thursday.

We also sent in our deposit check to the agency this week. I felt good for a brief minute as I wrote the check until I reminded myself that it might not work. No use getting myself set up for anything that wasn’t going to happen. But somewhere deep down, I am excited.

I haven’t been posting much as there are big stirrings in my creative life. I’ve been taking some big steps in making some long simmering dreams come true. It brings up my ‘how will I do this with a baby!’ questions, but I’m okay with those. And I know I will make it work.

I reconnected with a very important old friend the other day. I haven’t told him about DE, but I know I will soon as we are gradually catching up via email and phone. And I know he will be as good a friend about that as he is with everything else. It brings up sadness that I have to explain to him. I know he will be disappointed as he often used to say how beautiful my children would be. I think he’ll still think they’ll be beautiful… but he’ll have to adjust as I did. I think he will relate as well because he is still not married [although there is a 'someone' he refers to] and I have a feeling he most likely will never have children. This is another kind of infertility: that which is imposed by failed relationships or the love that never was. It’s a whole other kind of sadness that probably doesn’t get talked about enough, either.

He always was a good friend. And now we’ll have even more in common.

October and November feel so far away right now. Will they ever really get here?

Well, we checked with the clinic. Less than 1/100 chance of the child inheriting MS. Wish that was 1/1000, but it’s better than 1/5. Also, there is another medical issue, kinda minor/kinda not, that I won’t mention for privacy reasons. The child would have a less than 20% of inheriting that as well.

I think of all the searching we did, and how hard it was to find this young woman. Will we ever find any better? Is my own family health history a clean slate? The answer to those questions are who knows and definitely not. We do have rather decent genes, if I do say so myself, but my oldest brother dropped dead 2 years ago. He had an enlarged heart; no one knew. Actually, I secretly suspect he knew and told no one. He was only 59. My father had severe rheumatoid arthritis. Granted, most likely stress and lifestyle induced, but it’s an inheritable disease.

So, I do believe we’re going for it. I have to have the legal docs reviewed which I will do in the next few days. We will most likely cycle October/November which is a little later than I thought. More time for me to get into the best shape I can before doing this. I am terrified of what this is going to do to my abs. Twenty-somethings recover pretty well from pregnancy if they are careful. I have no idea how I’ll be able to handle this. One of my sisters recovered well, one did not and went on to become obese for a while. Of course, she ate horribly and never worked out. The other one recovered just fine, and she and I are closer in terms of lifestyle, although certainly not in temperament. We’re more oil and water in that area.

So, perhaps I should not worry. Except that they had their children in their 30s. I’ll be having mine - should all proceed as planned - at 44. FOUR-TEE-FOUR. Yikes.

The sister that got fat eventually did lose it all.

I’ve been having lots of ‘am I sure I want to do this’ thoughts again lately. There’s been a lot of press lately about how having children really doesn’t make you happier, and in fact, adds a lot of stress to your life. This is true, but I think these articles are written from a fertile woman’s perspective. Yank those dirty diapers and messy mouths, and I’ll wager that 99% of the women would put up quite a fuss to get them back.

In other news: my brother-in-law’s wife, after mysterious IF treatments that they will not discuss, is pregnant. I have no idea what they did, but she’s at about 9 weeks. After a blowup a few summers back where I was horribly insulted and basically treated abusively and let them know it, we no longer speak. So this should be fun. His wife is one of those ‘wifey’ types, the kind that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, real straight-like. If she asks me if I want to hold her baby, I think I’m going to puke. I don’t want to hold her baby. I don’t like her, and I don’t think I’m going to like her baby any better, considering who will be raising that child.

Any thoughts on how I get out of visiting them?

Ahhhhh, la familia. Gulp. Whatever am I getting myself into?

I found this article today about a study in Boston in which they’ve determined that fetal cells remain in a mother’s body for up to 9 years after a donor egg conception and birth. Fascinating, huh? The article quotes Dr. Zev Williams, the study lead author and chief resident in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston:

“It is also interesting to note that, after a donor egg pregnancy, the mother and child do, in fact, share DNA, albeit at a very low level, and therefore do have a biological connection,” Williams added.

Wow. I wish I understood the connection better: how does having fetal cells create sharing of DNA? Anyone else know anything about that? Here’s the (short) article, if you’d like to read it:

Fetal Cells Detected in Mothers’ Blood Years After Donor Egg Pregnancies

In other news, I am currently freaking out about the fact that I just noticed that our potential donor’s grandfather had MS. Dr. Google tells me that yes, there is a chance of inheritance, but it’s not clear to what extent.

I looked at her pictures and profile again this morning, deciding that she really is an amazingly good fit. Her father looks slightly like my husband, and while she and I aren’t a close physical match, she could be a cousin. The thing that makes me happiest is reading about her love for music, photography and her good grades.

I can only hope that because this would be her 3rd donation, the MS isn’t a factor that we should be worried about. But I’ve got a call into the clinic, just in case.

We received the agency and donor agreement a few days ago. We’re going to have it read by an attorney, of course, but the part about our funds being returned should this fall through are in there. That was my greatest concern. I have to say, so far, this agency is head and shoulders above the rest. They have gone the extra mile in a couple of important ways. Since I want this blog to remain somewhat anonymous, I won’t out them here. But I know of more than one place to write a positive review for them. I’m holding out until we actually DTT*, of course.

The best apart about getting those contracts, other than we are that much closer to going through with this: I saw the donor’s handwriting. Just a signature and some initials. But even that was insightful. As I’m a visual person, fascinated by letterwriting and handwriting analysis, you can bet I gazed at that for a while.

In her handwriting and her photos, I see a young woman who is quite different from me, but we have commonality. I don’t know what it is exactly but I sense something in her, a hint of sadness in her pretty face? Or maybe it’s just sensitivity. Hard to put a finger on it, but something in her photos makes me feel comfortable when I look at her. And that gives me peace of mind.

I had lunch with the wonderful Pamela Jeanna today, and I didn’t gush over my donor. Maybe because we haven’t signed anything yet. But also because this doesn’t feel like that. At least not yet. Maybe at some point she and I will communicate through a letter. Not sure when that all is supposed to happen. As I write this, I get a little thrill thinking that I will write a letter. I have some important things to tell her. And you can bet I sure hope I get a letter back. Handwritten, of course!

I had dinner with a former mentor — let’s call him Mr. T — who I found (after a 13 year hiatus) through a social networking site recently. As we caught up on all kinds of things, I found myself telling him what our plans are. As he is someone I trust and respect, I felt comfortable telling him the truth. “It doesn’t matter”, he said… “doesn’t matter how it happens, just so it happens…” I could have hugged him. So good to know that there are people who support our decision. I think that will possibly be more important if this actually happens. I suspect there are ’support groups’ where we live for this. I’m not a big fan of those, the ambiance gets a little too ‘victim’ for me at times… but I maybe be seeking something out.

Ah, the wonderful Mr. T. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a mentor, and I never really thought I would have one… but he was amazing. As I left that dinner, I realized that I want to ask him to be our godfather. I don’t know if that’s too weird after a 13-year hiatus, but given that it’s him, I don’t think it is. I never in the world dreamed I might have a godfather to my child one day. But I am very seriously considering asking my mentor/friend. And that makes me feel very, very grownup.

Wow, a grownup with children. Or at least one child. I try that new hat on these days as I look at myself in the mirror. And I have to say, I like what I see.

*Do This Thing

Hmmmm… new bumper sticker?

The counter guy at Whole Foods wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. I could tell he simply meant well, so I just said ‘Thanks’ and smiled. He’s shoveling overpriced raw meat for a living, I figured I’d cut him some slack.

SFGate.com ran an article on Mommy bloggers and how so many mommies are blogging, yaddah, yaddah. I think only one person commented to say, ‘uh, yo, you forgot about the rest of us…’ And eight of the nine people who commented gave that comment a thumbs down, at last count.

I will never look at another Mommy-focused article, book, movie, magazine, store, exercise class, brochure or Web site again with the same eyes.

I’m focusing positive thoughts and prayer for Summer tonight. She’s spotting a bit, and waging a major battle with The Crazies, I’m sure. I don’t know what I would be doing in her shoes, but I think I can imagine the sick feeling in her stomach she must be fighting.

Summer, I hope so much that tomorrow morning brings good news.

Summer went for it, and tomorrow she gets The News. Send her your thoughts, your prayers and wishes… Summer, let’s hope this is it for you!

UPDATE: It worked! Summer is pregnant, and going in for her beta. So exciting, go send her your wishes!

I called the agency today and got a full run-down of fees and procedures and timing. It’s not written in stone but we could be cycling September or October. Maybe earlier, but probably not a whole lot later.

I find the agency director remarkably laid-back and was pretty surprised that her Web site contains so little specifics other than fees and some outline of the process. But, she’s very, very nice on the phone and is promising full return of our fees should anything with this donor fall through. And yes, I’m planning on getting that in writing. That’s what I mean about the remarkably laid-back thing. Aren’t there laws governing this stuff..? Frankly, it’s seems like almost anyone who has a reasonable knowledge of the egg donation process could open one of these ‘agencies’. And I suspect more than a few have. It gives us ideas… now there’s a way to make back all that money down the drain, huh dear? Actually, we’re more than a little serious about that and are considering creating an off-the-shelf product for what appears to be a highly underserved market. I mean, have you seen some of those databases? Oh wait, if you’re reading this, you most likely have.

Because breathing freely in the realm of DE doesn’t come easily, I then decided I’d take a tour through the rather lengthy list of agencies I’d accumulated. And I’m happy to say that few of those had updated their DBs and no one there was a better fit than the woman we’ve found. I will do my best not to do that again. But it will be tempting not to with all of this being about 6 months out.

I started to get a little excited today. Maybe this really will all work. I’m feeling okay with being a DE recipient again. I’m feeling grateful that I’ve found someone. A few weeks back, it was looking a little dismal.

The last step for me before we Do This Thing is a mock cycle, which I’ll be starting soon. My lining was strangely thin when I went up for our workup — 1mm on D5. I’ve never had any lining issues, so I’m praying this is not some new wrench in the spokes. I’ve been off coffee for several weeks; I forgot to go off it just before the workup.

I was also told that my ultrasound showed uterine arteries just slightly above 2. I think this is most likely because I went off of my daily BA that I’ve been taking for months and had been off of it for a few months before the workup as well. I am worried about my MTHFR issue though, and can’t help but wonder: is this the mystery that’s been eluding us? was it as simple as that? At 43, it’s perhaps a moot point, but I think I will always wonder why.

I leave you with the lyrics of a song from one of my favorite movies, The Wizard of Oz. Maybe one day I’ll not only be dancing through those poppy fields, but on the other side, looking back.

Optimistic Voices (as sung by angels)
You’re out of the woods
You’re out of the dark
You’re out of the night

Step into the sun
Step into the light
Keep straight ahead

For the most glorious place
On the face of the earth
Or the sky

Hold onto your breath
Hold onto your heart
Hold onto your hope

March up to the gate
And bid it open

P.S. Oh, and thank you all so very much for all of your comments and visits (some new people, wow!) as of late. It’s nice to know people care. This is not something I openly share with a lot of people (and certainly not my nutty family), so it’s good to tawk.

Well, we’re going for it. There’s nothing that feels destined or comfy about it, it’s just what it is. It’s more factual than anything right now. But it feels like the right thing to do. I’ve weighed a lot of thoughts and questions in the last few days, and in the end, letting this go now is not something I can figure into my reality, present or future. I would regret it.

I thought I’d do a new blog look to celebrate. How do you like my chubby baby? I’m a fan of Chinese 30s propaganda art, if you’re wondering what it’s from.

I can’t say enough thanks to those of you who commented. Your words helped immensely.

Must run now. More soon.