The big news this week is that I am officially looking for a doula. We had a change for the better in our finances lately (thank GOD!) and it looks like we’ll be able to afford one after all, as long as she’s not charging her weight in gold. I’ve got one candidate lined up for an interview already. Excited about finding someone who is a good fit. I am feeling more confident about attempting an all natural birth. I am keeping an open mind as there is no way for me to know how this will all go, but if I can, I’ll forgo the meds. I’m hoping I’ll get lucky and that perhaps my tall and athletic build will come to the rescue on this one. But if not… there are meds and other solutions, so we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Baby Girl was measuring around 4-5 lbs at my OB appointment a week or so ago. I asked Dr. B if she thought she’d end up around 6-7 and she agreed. But I know those measurements are notoriously off, sometimes by as much as 3 pounds. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

I’m gearing up to start washing her stuff. Things are pretty slow going around here, as I am often very tired these days. 3rd trimester has brought even more fatigue. I sort of feel like my body is getting used to it, but hard to say. I seem to have 3-4 nights where I’ll get half-decent sleep. Half-decent means several times up to pee, but able to fall back asleep. After a few days of that, I’ll then revert back to waking up at 3:00 am. If I don’t get up and eat something/fool around on the ‘Net, I’ll just toss and turn, so I just get up when that happens. It’s a weird pattern, but I’m sort of used to it by now.

Baby Girl is rolling now more than kicking. She’s starting to feel big. I like how my belly looks (no stretch marks so far!) and I have it on my list to take a decent belly shot and post it here (that one’s for you, Sky!) for all posterity and my memory. These days will soon be gone, and I think I will miss them, in many ways. I like being pregnant very much, in spite of the difficulties. I like how my body looks and I mostly love how affirming it feels — like my body can work correctly after all. Maybe it wasn’t my eggs, but my body is healthy and strong and knows what it’s doing. It could have been my eggs, I’m pretty sure, if I hadn’t missed my window. But none of that really matters any more.

After my last post, I was feeling quite a bit of sadness until Halloween. I made the mistake genius move of heading out to get some groceries at peak family hour at a local shopping center. Children in costumes everywhere. And I realized in that moment that it’s not going to matter what kind of genes she has or hasn’t — she will be my daughter, our daughter and that is all that counts. It will come up at some point… but it’s just not going to matter that much.

Antepartum testing has continued to go well. Yesterday she was pretty sleepy so they had to get out the cattle prod, but she responded okay to that so no worries. And with the way she’s been jumping around today, I know all is well.

I feel somewhat behind in being prepared. Things aren’t washed, no car seat, a bunch of other stuff on my list not purchased yet. I was holding off a bit for financial reasons, but also, it’s simply the fatigue that gets to me each day. I only have so much energy any more. Every day I say ‘you’ll get it done tomorrow’… but then tomorrow comes and I do not. I’m starting to feel some pressure.

All day baby care class this Saturday. Zee hoosband is attending. He seemed a bit surprised that he needed to come until I reminded him that I am not immortal and while I am quite healthy, I do get things like migraines and colds, etc., and it might be a good idea if he knows how to change a diaper, among other things. ‘Oh, okay, I guess I better go.’ Ya think?

I’ll spare you all my frustrations with him this week. They have been running high. I think he thinks I’m just a whiny pregnant wife. I think it’s more than that. I’m sure we’ll work it out, but it sucks to be fighting and having bad feelings right now. I wanted things to be nothing but joy from here on out. But such is life.

My back is killing me, I need to go lie down.

Wishing you all your heart’s desire without delay!

Only 41 days to go. I can hardly believe it.

Saw Dr. Beautiful on Tuesday and all is well. Learned that if I don’t deliver by 40 weeks, she will *not* induce me afterall. This is different from what she originally told me. She said that some OBs feel that IVF babies should not be in utero longer than 40 weeks. I forgot to ask her why, although it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. She seems to have relaxed quite a bit about my pregnancy in recent weeks and is treating this more and more like a ‘normal’ pregnancy. Not that she was worried, but I did feel a wee bit of reservation when it came to talking about how I am doing. She seemed to get more confident around 28 weeks or so, and that has been increasing every visit since. On this visit she said ‘you’re doing really great!’… and that was nice.

I do have to say that other than the bleeding scares and the whole early trimester screening mixup, this has been a whole lot easier than I thought it would be. I’m not saying it’s easy — cuz let me tell you, the sleep deprivation has been pretty tough and has left me a semi-zombie (although much improved in recent weeks by the addition of my humongous pregnancy pillow.) But overall, pregnancy is a much more normal and natural state than I was ever lead to think it would be. I look forward to not freaking out my daughter about pregnancy when that day comes, I really do. What was my mother thinking, honestly….???

I mentioned the feelings of sadness that have been coming up… no time to write in depth about that today. One specific aspect of that that I’ve been thinking about is genealogy. I’ve was taught to be, and always have been, interested in and proud of my genealogy. We’ve got some interesting characters in our family, including close ties to royalty and a signer of the Declaration of Independance, among others. While I don’t go around sword dancing or speaking with a brogue accent, I’ve always liked my Anglo-Saxon heritage with a tad of Dutch. I thought our donor also had English, Irish or Scottish (I’ve got all three), but I was looking at her profile again the other day, and she doesn’t. Norwegian and Polish. Looking back, her personal characteristics were so great (and they really are great), I decided I didn’t care about that. And I’m not regretting my choice of donor… but I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this.

I’m realizing that I really looked forward to talking about heritage to my child and especially, being able to say ‘and that’s where you come from!’ And that is gone now, totally gone.

I know I’m supposed to ‘celebrate’ her heritage, that’s the PC thing to do, etc. But if you’ve been reading along, you should know by now I’m not much of a PC person. I’m a free thinker/doer, I don’t align myself with any camps.

I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this one. But I know I’ve got to figure out a way to do it that is healthy and doesn’t hurt me, or her. Granted, heritage is not something I discuss on a daily basis. But it does come up.

It pains me to know that I don’t know, and never really will know, the details of the donor genealogy. What if my child wants to know these things? What if this leads her to wanting to contact the donor?  I chose a donor who was open to being contacted, but I have to admit, it brings up feelings I don’t like.

I’m sure it will all work itself out, but right now, it does bring up sadness for me.

I will be crossing some new bridges in the years to come, of that I am sure.

My weekend was a blur. A blur of information, emotions, questions, fears, tears, love, anger and more.

We attended an all-day Labor & Birthing class on Saturday. In a warmish, not very well ventilated room. With a somewhat People’s Republic of Bahzerkeley teacher. Who had more than a bit of an agenda when it comes to ‘natural’ childbirthing.

It sparked a big fight with the DH and I (that had to do with another issue we’ve been dealing with lately, but was tied to all of this.) And basically left me confused. More confident in some ways, but also still scared and confused in others.

I think the DH was kind of uncomfortable during a lot of the class, especially the parts where we had to do exercises. Probably especially the part where the teacher started showing early laboring positions. Actually, it was the groaning stuff that got to him, I think. To be honest, it kind of got to me as well. We’re both more than a little over all the groovy Kalifornia earth momma stuff. I think some of the moves she showed us will come in handy, but I don’t know about the groaning/moaning stuff. I mean, maybe I will want to groan and moan, maybe I won’t. Both of us felt, though, that being told, ‘oh, you should do this’ was a little much. But what were we thinking, seriously? A labor class in PRofB? I amazed that she didn’t go farther, actually.

Ze fact zat my hoozband eez French definitely played into things here. I have no idea how this is done in France. I have no idea if his brother attended the class, or how he ‘helped’ or not during the birth. Even if I did, it’s only one family. Maybe things are as varied in France as they probably are here?

A very famous French doctor was recently covered in the news saying that he does not believe men should attend births. He believes it’s a woman’s realm and should be left as such. And perhaps that is true. Does my husband really need to see me in such pain? Does he need to see every detail, my vayjay expanded to grotesque proportions? Or is it a beautiful thing, actually? Is birth beautiful? Or messy and strange? Or both? We watched a lot of videos during class, and I cried at every birth. I find birth a very emotional. And yes, I would use the word beautiful. Seeing a new little baby placed at his/her mother’s breast is, to me, one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Such sweet little creatures, babies.

I’m thinking/writing out loud here, folks, in case you couldn’t tell.

DH is into helping me as much as he can, but I am considering hiring a doula. I’m also considering not hiring a doula as one of the things the DH expressed after class was that he really resented the ‘oh you men, you can’t handle this’ attitude of the teacher. Or at least, he felt that she was definitely communicating that. I didn’t get that quite so much, but I respect his feelings on this. And frankly, I don’t want one of those earth momma doulas, either. It’s frankly going to feel weird to me to hire someone for what is going to be one of the most important, life-changing, soul-evolving moments of my life. How do you do that? How do you give someone $700 and say, ‘okay, let’s be super intimate and be super okay with that now’?

What I don’t want is to end up feeling alone and scared with a well-meaning but clueless husband. And I also don’t want him going through the motions, pretending to say and do things that he doesn’t feel because someone told him that’s what he’s supposed to do. I think that’s what he resents and doesn’t want to end up doing, either.

I think we’re trying to figure out how to do this in a way that is honest and appropriate for us, and doesn’t leave either one of us hanging, either.

I’m trying to ascertain how much the labor nurses can actually help you, if you don’t have a doula, midwife or family member that can really help. I’m trying to gather my thoughts so that I can ask Dr. B some coherent questions when I have my OB appointment tomorrow.

We watched one video where the woman missed her chance for an epidural (or narcotics, for that matter.) But she was so close at that point, that getting across the finish line was not a lengthy process. She narrated the interview and said that (much like me), she went in thinking she’d probably get an epidural. She didn’t regret not getting one, and felt very proud of herself getting through that, felt euphoric afterwards, etc.

That’s all great, but I’m wondering how many other stories there are about this? How many women have tried to do natural, but then couldn’t make it? And ended up in hours of very painful, exhausting labor? I’ve read some pretty gruesome stories on The Internets, so I know they’re out there.

I left the class thinking that I actually will try natural childbirth. Epidurals come with a long list of potential complications, including nerve damage, that I’m not wild about. But I’m also really very worried about ending up in some nightmare situation where either 1/I’m in painful labor for hours and can’t have meds because I’m too far along or 2/end up having to have a cesarian because it’s gone on too long and baby is in distress. I don’t want a c-section, I don’t want horrific pain and I want baby to be okay. I want me to be okay too. I want this to be a good experience, not something I’ll be afraid of in the future.

* * *

There was a whole lot more I had to say here, but then I had to take care of some other things and poof… those thoughts are gone. There are a lot of questions and thoughts running through my brain right now. Including feelings of grief that have been popping up for quite some time. I am so happy to be here, but I have had some sad feelings again about losing my genetic connection. The NYTimes article brought more of that on. I want to write about those things, because I want this blog to be helpful to other women going through this.

I am also starting to feel slightly panicky about getting everything done and ready and making sure all my questions are answered before I find myself freaking out in early labor.

Deep breaths. I’ll make it.

Hope you are making it too.

Not sure, but I think I’m starting to have Braxton-Hicks contractions. These are not the same as the weird abdomen hardening thing which I still have from time to time. They are more focused and seem to start at the top of my uterus. Of course, never having been this pregnant, I have no idea what they are like, and it could just be the baby moving. She rolls and turns now more than she kicks, which is normal for this stage.

I don’t have much to report. More antepartum testing tomorrow.

Hoping you all are well and happy and getting good news.

Till next time…

First, the fabby, lovely, wonderful news that I had my 2nd antepartum testing yesterday. Only heartbeat/bloodflow monitoring. U/S is only done once a week.

My girl, she passed in flying colors, and very quickly. I ate just before I left, so that helped get her going as well.

I don’t think I’m going to get sick of these tests anytime soon.

I had a breastfeeding dream last night. It was the most natural and lovely thing… it was easy, Baby Girl took right to it. It was one of the nicest pregnancy dreams I’ve had.

To add to my happiness, I stumbled across a woman (through work) who trained as a midwife and has all kinds of advice she is happy to share with me. I wish I had the money to hire a doula, but I do not and we’ll be flying solo on this thing. But we have each other, and that is already so much. I figure if I really get in trouble, I could probably email her, maybe even hire her for a few hours if I really had to.

On top of that is my friend who has offered babysitting and making the quilt… God is not leaving me totally alone to get through this. I do have female support around me. Even our account rep at the bank has been so lovely to me, making kind conversation every time she sees me. Today I showed off the belly (and I’ve seriously got some belly to show these days!) to her, and it felt great.

Not to mention all my bloggy friends out there… I am always touched at the support that comes in through these pages.

I think I’m going to make it. [smile]

* * *

An amazing article came out in the NYTimes today: Divorcing Your Parents. This one hit dead-center for me. At last count there are 24 pages and almost 600 comments. All mostly from men and women, who like myself, were forced to make the very difficult and painful decision to estrange themselves from one or more family members.

It’s not really the article itself that is amazing. I actually found the author’s writing to be a little disjointed and frankly, wimpy, on the subject. There are many, many therapists who recommend separation as a key survival skill to those of us who have suffered at the hands of less than appropriate parents.

It’s the comments (still streaming in as of 7pm PST) that are so heartwrenching and affirming all at once.

I haven’t spoken much about my past here. I’ve often wanted to. There is a direct connection between what happened to me as a child and how I ended up requiring donor eggs to conceive and bear children. As I’ve said before, my family-induced ‘infertility’ was the final slap in the face to me after all I’ve been through with them. It’s why they will never know, if I can help it, that we conceived with donor egg. The last thing I plan to take from them are clueless, insensitive or downright mean-spirited remarks about my so-called fertility when I am 100% positive that I never had a fertility issue to begin with. What I did have, was the need to run so far and so fast and for so long from real commitment and (god forbid) children that I ended up giving up my best years to have children.

In reading the comments today, it really struck home for me how direct the connection is between my past and my need for donor eggs. So many women posting in the comments spoke of how fearful they were of having children of their own, not wanting to recreate the horrors they lived through. Or simply being so disabused of the notion of family and children that they simply no longer wanted it.

I don’t write these words to inspire pity. I write them because I have suspected for a long, long time that there is a subset of women in the DE community who, like myself, ended up running too long. I want to connect with these women, but I have no idea how to do so. I’m hoping some of them somehow end up here because I feel that those of us in this subset have to endure a particular pain around conceiving via donor egg. It’s a pain that reinforces what happened to you. Your most precious innocence was stolen, all the way down to your ability to procreate. You end up changed to your very core and it so easy to feel over and over again how someone got away with something really, really wrong.

I’ve always felt ‘different’ within the IF and DE communities, and this is why. I don’t fully relate to those women for whom infertility is a terrible, deep, dark pain because I’ve already been to that place. I am realizing today/tonight that along with my childhood innocence, I lost the innocent assumption that most women bring to childbearing. It was over for me before I ever even had a chance to get it started. I made damn sure that my choices in men and relationships took me farther and farther away from the possibility of ever really being able to have children. I never realized how hard and fast I was running until today.

Fortunately, I got help. The two years of therapy I did saved my life and led me to my darling DH who understands much, although not all, of what I went through. I have confidence in the job we’ll do as parents. And I so look forward to creating a life for my daughter (and maybe a 2nd child, if I am so lucky) that will be so different from my own. Or rather, a better version of what I got.

I want to blog about this (as I’ve hinted at in the past) and then again I don’t. Part of me just wants to move on, live a happy and joyful life, the one that I always deserved. I am wrestling with how I can work that into a new blog about DE motherhood. Maybe I simply need to try it and see how it goes.

If you’ve ever had a friend who ‘divorced’ him or herself from their parents and/or family and you’ve struggled to understand how they could ever need or want to do such a thing, I highly recommend you read the article, and especially, the comments. Listen, if you can, to the voices of those who have suffered the most terrible of nightmares and you might come to understand a little better why we have chosen the path of separation. It ought to be called a path of survival. It certainly was for me.

Oh, and if any of you are reading this and are left still scratching your head, you can check out this study as well, posted by one of the commenters: http://acestudy.org/

If you run across anyone that you think could relate to my post today, I hope you will point them here. I know there are others out there like me out there. I may ask Stirrup Queens to put up an announcement in Lost and Found. We’ll see what happens from there.

Either way, this blog is going to evolve soon. I will finish up the ‘what I learned’ pages and once she is born, I am going to turn a new leaf and start a new one. I hope y’all will join me in the biggest adventure of my life!

Later, peeps. And happy trails.

I am still on my baby high. I slept till 7am this morning with only ONE pee break. I feel so good, wish every night could be like that.

Just wanted to post quickly to say that I am going to attempt to add some new pages to my blog:

• DE: What I Learned
• Getting Ready for DE: Pre-cycle testing your doc might not know about
• MTHFR: What to do when you’ve got the mothafucka gene (or both of them, as I do)

I’ve been meaning to post these for a while and if I don’t get them done before LT gets here, it will never get done.

On another note, we STILL do not have a name picked out. We are realizing how much we love the name Josephine which is the name we gave to our 3rd little darling cat (who has grown to be such a little lovey, pica and all.) Why did I give such a great name to a cat? Um, I guess because she was/is adorable and we love her. Hee, hee. We’ll find another but goodness, we’d better hurry up!

Antepartum testing went very well. Baby Girl is doing great. Blood/oxygen flow through placenta is ‘perfect’ and amniotic fluid is 11.7 (average/normal range is between 10 and 20; they only get worried if it drops to 5 or below.) Heartbeat ranging from 125-150, averaging around 135 (excellent.) The whole experience was very informative from a number of different perspectives.

First of all, I have never been to a Labor & Delivery ward. Ever. Period. So walking in not just as a visitor but as someone who actually belongs there… well, I sort of felt special. More of the ‘you’re in the club now’ feeling that has popped up occasionally throughout this pregnancy. As we were leaving, I realized that we were walking by one of those rooms where they keep the babies postpartum and there was a Real Live Baby in there, getting some sort of treatment with a nurse. Not a preemie, but getting some sort of injection or something. I was awestruck. I could have stood there for a lot longer watching. Just to watch that baby’s little arms and legs moving around was magical. Babies are such a gift from God, Heaven, the Creator, the Universe… call it what you will, but they are of The Divine and I left on the most awesome baby high I think I’ve had since we got our first BFPs.

Things were a tad less picturesque on our arrival. We live in an urban area and as such, there are certainly lots of urban folk having their babies along with everyone else, as well they should. We took the elevator up to L&D and I was surprised that the first thing you do is sign in with Security. I found this creepy at first and was wondering if the urban factor had anything to do with it, but then realized they probably have to do it as a safety precaution. People do weird shit around babies, including stealing them, and we live in highly litigious society, so why not. What was far worse and a wee bit disconcerting was the group of brothas hanging out at the security desk and trying to straighten something out. It wasn’t the brothas or that they were in a group, actually, but the fact that they STANK of maryjane something bad. Not just a faint whiff, my friends. I’m talking you walked out of the elevator and it was if they were all wearing Le MaryJane Cologne Especial. What the hell??? I was horrified because 1/I don’t want to smell that stuff pregnant and 2/I don’t like smelling that stuff period. I’ve had my fun with it, but that was ages ago when it was far less potent and dangerous stuff. We had some pot smokers in our building in the last year or so and I raised quite a ruckus over the stink of it. My brother confirmed that what they grow these days has a far more potent THC level than ever before. He tried some a few years back and it knocked him out cold. He hasn’t touched it since either. What ever happened to an innocent, not particularly dangerous high? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t touch the stuff anymore even if it wasn’t as potent, but it’s just awful what it has become. Aaaaaaanyway.

So there we were. Us and The Stanky Brothas and I started feeling kinda anxious about our hospital of choice and wondering why so many people had told us what good hands we are in. But I guess it would have been hard to throw them out for stinking of pot. Or would it have been? Seems like a hospital, a baby ward for god’s sake, of all places should be able to have some strict policies about that.

Moments later we were sent back down to Admitting which fortunately took a few brief minutes and then back up to L&D. The Brothas had moved on and the rest of the experience was much better.

I had a lovely nurse named Venka who was extremely nice, friendly, thorough and professional, all at once. I have a lot of respect for nurses because they have a tough-as-nails job and they put up with a lot. Granted, I’ve had my share of shitty ones. The good ones, as I’m sure many of my readers can attest, are worth their weight in gold.

Venka explained exactly what they were going to do and what they were looking for. For those of you who might have to do this, it is totally painless and I actually found it a very comforting, reassuring experience. I was hooked up with some elastic bands and a stethoscope thingy with of course lots of gooey warm gel and they measured how Little Girl was doing. All measurements were just right and I cannot tell you how reassuring that was. I was dreading this as much as I was looking forward to it, and to have good results (along with the baby sighting on exit) just made my afternoon. I am still on a bit of a high and I haven’t felt this good and positive in quite a while. So, so easy for those of us who have experienced loss to get into a vicious cycle of endless worrying. It is doing me a world of good to allow myself to feel okay, and SAFE and happy about this pregnancy. Oh, may this continue.

She asked me a lot of questions about my health history and we talked about the blood pressure. She took several readings both lying down and sitting up. Lying down it was great (125/58); sitting up was higher 134/70, but still nothing to worry about. She went over what I need to be concerned about in terms of things taking a turn for the worse and gave me a list of instructions to follow to determine whether I need to be concerned or call them, as well as when to show up for delivery (yowza!) Among other things, I don’t really need to start worrying unless BOTH numbers go above 140/90, which they haven’t yet. So… fingers crossed. Blood pressure does typically go up in 3rd trimester, so hopefully this is just that and nothing else.

The ultrasound nurse was just as nice and thorough. Seeing Baby Girl again on the monitor was so thrilling because she’s getting so big and we got some pretty good views. She looks fantastic. I cannot wait to see her.

As we waited for our ultrasound, a baby started crying somewhere. Again, a magical sound to my ears, at least for now. We’ll see how magical it is a few months from now… lol.

All in all, we left feeling very cared for and in good hands. I think I understand now why Dr. B hasn’t been talking to me about labor a lot. She knows that between the antepartum visits and the labor class, I’ll have a lot of questions asked. Just going to L&D today was a big step in a way. I feel like I’ll know the lay of the land once we finally get there. This visit gave me a lot of confidence, and I am grateful for that.

So… youpee!, as they say in French. What a great ending to a week! Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

On a side note: something rather cool is happening with my hair. I have always had oily skin/hair which has gotten more combo as I grow older. But washing my hair daily has been a necessity for years. Until the last few weeks. Suddenly, I only have to wash every other day. And I could almost go a 3rd day. I’m sure this is related to hormones and I hope this one sticks, because what a time saver not to have to deal with my hair every day.

I have decided I’m going to wash her sheets and get her bed ready. After that, just toiletries, a bathtub, a carseat and diapers to buy.

Getting closer!

Oh, and here’s the best part: another photo opportunity for Baby Girl and she was ready for the camera. That black circle in the top center of the picture is her very own eyeball (!)… can’t tell you the head rush I got when we saw that looking back at us. “I am ALIVE!!!”

This is a big number in my mind and I do feel a shift this week towards something… bigger. Can’t really say specifically. I feel much more tired in the last day or two, the belly is bigger than ever and her kicks now include rolls that feel… big.

My BP was high again this afternoon. I tried calling Dr. B, but of course, it was just when their phone lines turned off. I don’t think this warrants an emergency call, so I’m going to call her in the morning. From what I’ve read, I don’t need to be really concerned yet, just monitoring and keeping an eye on this. I have my antepartum tomorrow at 2:30pm, so that should give me more information as well.

Just hoping, so much, that this will not turn into anything serious and that things will go fairly smoothly.

Forgot to mention that I talked to Dr. B about tearing which is one of the things that scares me the most about labor, other than the pain and not being able to handle it. I found some tips on perineal massage and was about to try it, but Dr. B says she doesn’t think it does a damn bit of good. Not to mention that it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing it. And it is kind of hard to get down there when you’re 8 months pregnant. As she put it, ‘there isn’t anything you can do to prepare your body for a baby’s head coming through your vagina.’ Gulp. I think she’s right though and I’ll just have to manage, as so many other women do. But I really am scared and I think about it a lot. Hoping our labor class will reassure me, but worrying that it’s just going to scare me more.

Oh, onward and sideways, indeed.

Update: Home BP reading as of this morning (9ish) was fine. Hoping that yesterday was just a fluke. I’ll keep monitoring today. Shelli, thanks so much for the reassurance — much appreciated!

Had my last 3-week apart OB appointment today. And BP was 138/88. I had a spike like that in first trimester that turned out to be nothing. I just finished monitoring today and had two readings above 140, one at 135. No protein in my urine, thank goodness, but I am worried.

The home monitor is not as accurate as the clinic’s monitor, so I’m hoping those readings were off. Dr. Beautiful said she is not concerned as of yet, but that we need to keep a close eye on this. I am worried because of course Dr. Google has reported all sorts of horrible things that can happen if gestational hypertension becomes pre-eclampsia, etc.

I am supposed to start antepartum testing this week. Dr. B said they would check my blood pressure and urine again then. She said try to get in tomorrow if you can; they can’t see me until Friday afternoon. I will keep monitoring my BP and if I get readings over 140 or 90 again tomorrow, I’ll call them.

Everything else checked out fine. Baby Girl’s heartbeat sounded nice and solid. I have gained again, but it’s in the normal range for a woman of my size/height. She’s been kicking very regular and very strong, so that is reassuring. I just hope to hell it doesn’t go downhill from here.

We aren’t scheduled for our labor class until 10/24. Hopefully we will make it until then without any sudden direction to report immediately to L&D. We haven’t even toured the hospital yet. Not to mention that I haven’t even washed her sheets.

Do any of you know more about gestational hypertension and pre-eclampsia? How scared should I be at this point? I’m trying not to freak out.

Couple of good things about the antepartum monitoring:

• I’ll have it twice a week. Love that. The more info, the better.
• RE MTHFR and late term loss: if any blood clotting issues are going to crop up, this monitoring should catch that. Dr. B said that they would see issues with heartbeat or development if anything like that did happen. That one has been haunting me for a while now, so it was reassuring to hear her say that. And probably why she is having me monitored 2x/week, in addition to the fact that I’m 45 and this was a DE/IVF conception.

I asked her at the end of the appointment (but before the 2nd BP reading that was still highish) if I could have another baby if labor wasn’t too difficult, etc. She said absolutely. So I am taking that as a good sign.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me. I hope the ride doesn’t get too bumpy from here on out.

Oh boy, that number is climbing… hitting the 30 week range has been very exciting, but I have 32 weeks in my mind as the point when this starts to get really REAL. 30, 31… yeah, those are close too, but too close to the 20s… 32 and above… now that means I will soon be with baby. Just… WOW.

I ordered a Comfort-U pregnancy pillow out of desperation. (And thanks, Nishkanu, for the recommendation. I’d actually ordered it by the time you left that comment, but I do agree with you!) While my sleep is still not perfect, it’s much better. The Comfort-U is this big, U-shaped pillow that allows you to switch from side to side without moving the pillow. It’s got pretty good support overall, although slightly uneven in a few crucial places. The nice thing about this pillow is that it’s so big that you can twist and fold it into almost any configuration and so your chances of finding one that will help you sleep are pretty high. I have to give it a good shake every day to help reposition the stuffing, but that’s not a big deal. I actually slept until 8:00am today with only one pee break in the middle of the night. I feel so good today, but I’m also a tad worried that I was still sleeping on my back too much (you can roll off the pillow if not careful.) My body is desperate to sleep on my back at this point, so I’m suspicious on the nights I sleep really well. But perhaps the pillow just did its job. God, it feels good to get some decent sleep, even if in small chunks. Even with the pillow, I’ve usually been waking up anywhere from 3 to 5:00am and have to get up to eat a snack and read the Internets for a while before I can fall back to sleep. Not sure if this sleeping through the night thing is a new trend or not. Anyway, all in all, sleep is better, and I’m grateful for that.

Have a good portion of the baby gear in place. The last things to buy will be medical/toiletry supplies, a car seat and of course… diapers. Lots and lots of diapers. Haven’t figured out the diaper pail thing yet. I am grossed out by a pail that will sit in our bedroom (because there’s no other place) with dirty diapers in it all day. Toying with the idea of keeping something near the front the door that can be emptied every day. That will of course require zero stink as opening the door to guests with a lingering diaper odor will quickly get us removed from our already rather small social circle (!) I’ve seen individual bags that you can wrap each diaper in that are supposed to block odor. Those and the under-the-sink trash can in our bathroom might work.

Also struggling with what kind of diaper to get. I have considered diaper service but we are so strapped for cash right now, don’t know that we can afford it. That leaves washable bamboo diapers and disposables. I just *hate* the idea of adding to any landfills with dirty diapers, but given our budget right now, we might not have the choice.

Things have been tough financially. Work on my side of the business is very, very slow and I think it will continue that way for quite some time. I also am not super interested in lowering our fees just to get work in. Especially when we’ve finally just begun to get paid what we’re worth in the last few years. But I may have to bite that bullet at some point; I seriously question whether we’ll ever get back to the way things were a few years ago. I also have some concerns about where things are going in my industry. I’m seeing signs of design becoming a commodity (that crowdsourcing bullshit that some of you might be familiar with) and if the way of design goes that of stock photography, I will seriously consider a career change. Although I really don’t know what I could do that I love more than what I do now, with the exception of becoming a full-time singer/musician. Which would be tough to pull off at 45 (!)

Then comes the issue of how much I want to be working in the future anyway. I am not planning to chase after any new big projects for at least the next 6 months. And that may become a permanent thing. I have considered climbing down a few rungs on the ladder and marketing myself as simply a graphic designer or production artist and only working as a sub-contractor, either through the network I already have, or by signing up with some of the creative talent agencies. I’d make half what I make on my own, but in a way, it won’t matter. The DH is working on getting his side of things lined up and if he becomes the major breadwinner, what I will bring in is gravy. Or rather, college education funds and that extra cute pair of baby shoes I don’t need but have to have.

I do not want to become a full-time, stay-at-home Mom, that much I know. I’m too smart and have too many interests and talents to do that. It’s not fulfilling enough. But I will need to find some kind of balance in the months to come.

My babysitter quilting friend has offered to make us a baby quilt – so excited! We’ll go to the store together on Monday to pick out fabric.

Baby Girl is kicking (even as I type!), sometimes really strong. The pattern seems to be 5:00am/5:00pm/11:00pm, but I get variations, and often, random kicks here and there throughout the day. I watched a video on babycenter.com for women in my timeframe (28-32 weeks) and was just amazed. I still can’t believe some days that there is a little human being inside of me that can now blink and hear my voice and a lot of other things… but there is!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend and happy updates. Manana!