Oh boy, that number is climbing… hitting the 30 week range has been very exciting, but I have 32 weeks in my mind as the point when this starts to get really REAL. 30, 31… yeah, those are close too, but too close to the 20s… 32 and above… now that means I will soon be with baby. Just… WOW.

I ordered a Comfort-U pregnancy pillow out of desperation. (And thanks, Nishkanu, for the recommendation. I’d actually ordered it by the time you left that comment, but I do agree with you!) While my sleep is still not perfect, it’s much better. The Comfort-U is this big, U-shaped pillow that allows you to switch from side to side without moving the pillow. It’s got pretty good support overall, although slightly uneven in a few crucial places. The nice thing about this pillow is that it’s so big that you can twist and fold it into almost any configuration and so your chances of finding one that will help you sleep are pretty high. I have to give it a good shake every day to help reposition the stuffing, but that’s not a big deal. I actually slept until 8:00am today with only one pee break in the middle of the night. I feel so good today, but I’m also a tad worried that I was still sleeping on my back too much (you can roll off the pillow if not careful.) My body is desperate to sleep on my back at this point, so I’m suspicious on the nights I sleep really well. But perhaps the pillow just did its job. God, it feels good to get some decent sleep, even if in small chunks. Even with the pillow, I’ve usually been waking up anywhere from 3 to 5:00am and have to get up to eat a snack and read the Internets for a while before I can fall back to sleep. Not sure if this sleeping through the night thing is a new trend or not. Anyway, all in all, sleep is better, and I’m grateful for that.

Have a good portion of the baby gear in place. The last things to buy will be medical/toiletry supplies, a car seat and of course… diapers. Lots and lots of diapers. Haven’t figured out the diaper pail thing yet. I am grossed out by a pail that will sit in our bedroom (because there’s no other place) with dirty diapers in it all day. Toying with the idea of keeping something near the front the door that can be emptied every day. That will of course require zero stink as opening the door to guests with a lingering diaper odor will quickly get us removed from our already rather small social circle (!) I’ve seen individual bags that you can wrap each diaper in that are supposed to block odor. Those and the under-the-sink trash can in our bathroom might work.

Also struggling with what kind of diaper to get. I have considered diaper service but we are so strapped for cash right now, don’t know that we can afford it. That leaves washable bamboo diapers and disposables. I just *hate* the idea of adding to any landfills with dirty diapers, but given our budget right now, we might not have the choice.

Things have been tough financially. Work on my side of the business is very, very slow and I think it will continue that way for quite some time. I also am not super interested in lowering our fees just to get work in. Especially when we’ve finally just begun to get paid what we’re worth in the last few years. But I may have to bite that bullet at some point; I seriously question whether we’ll ever get back to the way things were a few years ago. I also have some concerns about where things are going in my industry. I’m seeing signs of design becoming a commodity (that crowdsourcing bullshit that some of you might be familiar with) and if the way of design goes that of stock photography, I will seriously consider a career change. Although I really don’t know what I could do that I love more than what I do now, with the exception of becoming a full-time singer/musician. Which would be tough to pull off at 45 (!)

Then comes the issue of how much I want to be working in the future anyway. I am not planning to chase after any new big projects for at least the next 6 months. And that may become a permanent thing. I have considered climbing down a few rungs on the ladder and marketing myself as simply a graphic designer or production artist and only working as a sub-contractor, either through the network I already have, or by signing up with some of the creative talent agencies. I’d make half what I make on my own, but in a way, it won’t matter. The DH is working on getting his side of things lined up and if he becomes the major breadwinner, what I will bring in is gravy. Or rather, college education funds and that extra cute pair of baby shoes I don’t need but have to have.

I do not want to become a full-time, stay-at-home Mom, that much I know. I’m too smart and have too many interests and talents to do that. It’s not fulfilling enough. But I will need to find some kind of balance in the months to come.

My babysitter quilting friend has offered to make us a baby quilt – so excited! We’ll go to the store together on Monday to pick out fabric.

Baby Girl is kicking (even as I type!), sometimes really strong. The pattern seems to be 5:00am/5:00pm/11:00pm, but I get variations, and often, random kicks here and there throughout the day. I watched a video on babycenter.com for women in my timeframe (28-32 weeks) and was just amazed. I still can’t believe some days that there is a little human being inside of me that can now blink and hear my voice and a lot of other things… but there is!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend and happy updates. Manana!

Okay, this is a mega-milestone for me because 30 weeks is in the THIS IS REAL AND IS GOING TO HAPPEN ZONE for me. And, according to the chart the lovely Summer sent me (very similar to this one), I am now in the seriously okay realm, assuming nothing else catastrophic happens.

Sleep has become difficult again. I seem to go in phases where I’ll have a few good days and then some really shitty days. Sometimes my hips really ache. Getting up for a while seems to be the only thing that works. This morning I should have done that but tossed until 7am instead. Tired.

The carpal tunnel in my hands is a bit worse. I really hope that it goes away after birth, as I’ve read it usually does. Taking care of a baby with this would not be optimal.

The BIL/SIL are still slated for a Christmas visit. It’s possible we’ll baptize their baby and become godparents then as well. I think the DH wants to baptize LT, even though he’s not a church-going Catholic. I am okay with that. Technically, I’m half-Catholic but the closest I’ve gotten to Catholicism is visiting Notre Dame in Paris. And that is not something that will change either. This does bring up the question of religion and how I am going to help her have a spiritual life, assuming she wants one. I’m not a bible thumper, but I do have a deep faith in God. I don’t need a church for that and I don’t have all the answers about God, but I know that in times of trouble, it’s been the only thing that’s kept me from going over the edge. So, if that will help her too, I want her to have that. DH says this stuff is all for me to figure out/decide. I’m getting a lot of responses from him like that on things of this nature. It appears that it’s either a family thing or else trés français for la femme (that would be moi) to figure out this stuff. Very matriarchal in many ways, but it also leaves me with two thick books on vaccines to read, not to mention the baby care book. I guess I’m okay with being entrusted with the that much power, but I want him to share in this. Which he does, just not without being prodded a bit.

Speaking of vaccines, I ordered two books, Dr. Sears’ Vaccine Book and Neil Miller’s Vaccine Safety Handbook. The latter seems pretty heavily anti-vax, whereas Dr. Sears’ book seems a little more balance, pros and cons of each vaccine, etc. I’m on the look out for thimerosal (which should be non-existent except for flu shots) and aluminum. We’re going to do a delayed schedule, with as little aluminum as possible. We will not being Hep B, Hep A or flu shots of any kind. We’ll probably do most of the others, and I’ll do my best do make sure none have aluminum. The Pc (pneumococcus – sp?) vaccine has 125 micro-somethings and there’s only one vaccine for that. Hoping there won’t be too many more like that.

Had dinner with my lovely friend who has offered babysitting. We don’t go out that much, so we’re working in some catsitting with that in exchange for designing/coding her web site. She is such a lovely person and already babysits for her neighbors. I am so, so grateful for her offer. Just knowing there is someone there if I get overwhelmed and need to run out of here screaming means a lot. Also, she has offered to sew us a baby quilt (!) — she is a lovely quilter so I’m excited about that one as we haven’t bought any blankets yet and I wanted to have at least one nice thick one for outdoor jaunts.

There has been some lovely news in my little corner of the blogosphere: Millie’s baby finally did come home; Sky is now posting and is getting back in the saddle after a very sad loss; Kate had great response to her cycle and will be getting her beta soon; HotMamaBear got a heartbeat and will have an u/s soon. Sometimes it seems it’s all too much to bear in the world of IF, but there are days of wonderful sunshine. Hoping we all continue on this positive vibe for a long, long time.

Oh, and about that sluggish hubby thing? We started giving our cats a fiber/brewer’s yeast supplement and noticed a significant improvement in energy level in one of them who’d been sort of sleepy and sluggish for quite some time. We thought at first it was just age, but when he perked up noticeably after a week or two on the supplements, we started to put two and two together. The DH has been complaining of feeling really tired and sluggish for quite some time. We tried a men’s vitamin supplement, more water, more protein, more exercise… nothing seemed to work. So we though, what the heck, and gave him the cat’s supplement too. KIDDING! But we did go get some brewer’s yeast and I’ll be danged if he didn’t perk up as well. It is a noticeable different. I’ve googled BY and it does seem to be recommended as a remedy for fatigue. So there you have it. Have a hubby that won’t do the dishes or take out the garbage? Sling ‘im some brewer’s yeast and you’ll have your man back in action. Worked for us, anyway.

Okay, peeps, that’s it for this installment of me getting to babydom. I am feeling more and more scared of childbirth (especially after watching one of the latest M@dMen episode’s in which Betty gives birth and it’s not a fun ride)… but I guess I’ll get through it one way or another.

Ciao!

Only 77 days to go! Boy that number is dropping fast. Summer commented that the 3rd trimester is going to whiz by, which is what the nurse who has kids said… and I believe ‘em both.

Not much to add today other than my joy at being 29 weeks and that LT is just kickin’, kickin’, kickin’ away today. Which makes me happy.

To think that we will be seeing her very, very soon is more than I can stand sometimes.

Was going to write about my mother. Considered calling her for a few days. The rehab thing is not going well. I won’t go into details now… but it moved me to think very seriously about picking up the phone. But I couldn’t get there. I thought it through and I know that at some point, something will be said or done that will hurt me, a lot. And I decided that okay, maybe if I wasn’t pregnant that would be okay. I’m a big girl, I can separate someone’s dysfunction from my feelings and not get too messed up about. And then I thought about how hard it has been for us to get where we are now, how what happened to me in my family has a LOT to do with why I ended up having to do DE in order to have children and that while many things were stolen from my childhood, in particular, my innocence… I don’t have to let anything get in the way or mess up these final weeks.

My mother is not dying. She has a lot of people around her to make sure she is okay. This is not an emergency.

So, I now have a plan: I have left the door open for me to write her a letter if/when the spirit moves me. That may be before LT is born, it may be after. I will tell her then that she has (another) granddaughter. I will most likely not tell her about DE. I will not tell my siblings because… well, honestly, because I don’t think they give a crap. In the 7 years or so since I’ve estranged myself, none of them, other than my one brother that I’m close with, has ever tried to get in contact with me to understand what is going on and why I don’t call, visit or write. Not a single one. Not once. Even when I was on speaking terms with them, I rarely got a phone call, and I never got a visit… again, other than from the brother I’m close with. I, however, have spent thousands of dollars flying back there in the 20+ years I’ve lived out here. Not to mention gifts I’ve sent, etc. What does that say to you? To me it says a number of things, but mostly, it tells me that they don’t have the maturity or interest much less caring to wonder what is going on with me and how I am. So why should they care that they have a niece? It’s funny that some of them have called me selfish, because I find them some of the most selfish, narcissistic people I have ever met, in many ways.

It feels good to have a plan. It feels good not to be upset by these people, once again. I started to get upset a few days ago, but damn if all that therapy stuff didn’t kick in, and I got myself through that without getting too messed up about it.

So that’s that.

And tonight… tonight we will begin watching Season 3 of M@dMen because ohmyfinggod do I lurve that show. We had doubts in Season 1, but by the of Season 2…? It was love, pure love. Such characters. Such writing. TV like it was meant to be. Yeah!

A reassuring OB appointment this morning. One more 3-week apart appointment with her, then one 2-week apart appointment and then I go down to once a week appointments. So exciting!

She said that at 32 weeks I’ll start new monitoring (can’t remember the name) where they hook me up to a couple of sensors and check for baby’s heartbeat and amount of amniotic fluid. I believe she said I’ll be doing that 2x/week. Bring it on, I say! The more info, the more reassurance. She said they’ll be doing that because I’m an IVF patient (I kind of love it that she left the DE part out) and also because I’m over 40.

Got questions on the kicking thing clarified: I only have to count one six-kick/roll/punch session in 24 hours for all to be well. LT definitely meets that criteria and then some. There are times/days when she goes quiet, but I know I can count on her to wake up and start jumping around at least twice a day, sometimes more. I thought I had a pattern going but in the last few days she hasn’t been doing the bedtime kicking thing so much.

I also clarified the sleeping on my back thing: yes, it’s not good and all I can do is roll over if I wake up and find myself on my back. Which I have been a fair amount lately. However, she said that as long as I’ve got a 45 degree angle between my back and the bed, I am okay. So I should be able to adjust the pillows to make it okay. It feels so darn good on my back (I’m a back sleeper), but it decreases blood flow to baby, so I want to make sure I’m not doing it wrong.

LT’s heartbeat was nice and strong. She used the word ‘perfect’ again. Loves it when she does that.

They had a flu shot (regular, not H1N1) ready and waiting for me when I got there. That menacing little needle looked so familiar. And I was so glad to say ‘no thanks!’ when the nurse brought it up. I was slightly peeved that they made the presumption that I’d be doing the shot when I told them I would consider it last time. But this is what they are trained to do.

Oh, and in other vaccination news: the state of Massachusetts is very, very close to passing mandatory vaccination laws in the state. It has made it through both House and Senate and the Governor has said he’ll sign it. With some really scary language in the bill including: allowing the Governor (and not the Feds) to declare what is/isn’t a state of emergency, use of police personnel to assist with said vaccinations, granting them the right to enter your home, take your children away from you and forcing the vaccine on them, throw you in jail, and fine you up to $1000 a day. In the United F-ing States of America, folks. It is disturbing to me that they are on the brink of passing this. It is very bizarre that mainstream media is not picking this up (with exception of a video on Fox News that I found) whereas if you google it, you’ll find a lot of other people/bloggers talking about it. And yeah, some of them are in the ‘tin foil hat’ variety, but a lot of them are not. I am concerned that if one state passes it, many more are to follow. I will leave the country before I live anywhere where medications or vaccines of any kind are forced on me or my family by the government. Seriously, WTH?

Sigh.

More baby stuff came in this week: an organic mattress (yeah, Co$tco!), organizing drawers, some more clothes. I still have more than half of my baby crap list to purchase, but I’m trying to go slow. I may limit it to diapers, a car seat, and medical supplies until she gets here. (OMG, she’s going to get here… right…??!?!?!) Yeah for The Internets cuz shopping in stores for all this stuff would just be exhausting. Not to mention very germy.

I have news on my mother but am too tired to write about that now. There have been bumps, but she is better in some ways. I did send flowers. They were much appreciated. I felt a crack in my heart open. Contact with her again? Maybe.

Till next time, peeps.

I don’t have the stomach to read my posts from my just-past-transfer days. I will at some point, but I don’t really need to in order to appreciate where I am today. The memories don’t feel that far away.

This has all gone so much faster than I ever thought it would in some ways. A nurse assistant told me that the third trimester would be the fastest; I have a feeling she is right about that.

I have signed up for a Childbirth and Breastfeeding/Childcare classes with the DH. Both all day intensives. I would have preferred spread out, but with the H1N1 stuff, we aren’t taking our chances by spending any more time in medically-oriented locations than we have to. I was hoping it would be a way to meet other new moms in the area, but hopefully it won’t be my last opportunity.

LT was having some fun jumping up and down on my cervix (bladder?) for an extended long play session today. To the point where it got rather uncomfortable, even painful, and I had to lie down to make her shift position. Fortunately that worked, because it really was rather painful.

It feels like she shifted down this week which is what I read they are supposed to do. Getting in to position for LABOR — that thing which really scares the crap out of me, much as I want to meet my little angel.

My belly is starting to feel pretty large and I am now officially waddling. I can’t walk very fast any more, just kind of a slow lope. It’s more than a little surreal.Who ME, walking like a duck…?

I’ve been counting kicks for the last week, and all is well by that standard. She is beginning to show a pattern: 1 or 2 dancing sessions during the day, sometimes scattered randomly, sometimes all together; 1 big dancing session at night when I lay down to go to sleep.

When they aren’t making me wince or squirm, those kicks are Da Bomb. Truly.

* * *

I had some upsetting news today. My mother fell and broke her hip in 4 places. It is the third fall/break she has had in the last few years. It was a bad break, but they’ve got her put back together. It will require 3-4 weeks of rehab plus the time she’s already spent in the hospital. She lost a lot of blood in surgery, and even had a low blood pressure episode that had the surgeons scrambling. But she made it through.

She tripped and fell over a drain in her garage. It took her an hour and a half to crawl back to her kitchen where she called 911.

The news brought up a lot of feelings for me.

First and foremost, the thought of her crawling, surely in severe pain, across the garage and back up the steps into her kitchen upset me very much. I’m not in communication with her, but the idea of her suffering like that all alone made me very sad.

And then, the fact that my 84-year old mother dragged herself for 90 minutes across a concrete garage floor, up stairs and into the house to the phone makes me strangely proud. If that isn’t bad ass tough, I don’t know what is. And I think, ‘THAT is what I am made of’… and I am proud.

The fact that she called 911 and not a single one of her 4 (out of 5) surviving sons who are all local was upsetting. It’s possible, I guess, that she couldn’t remember their numbers. But knowing her eagle-sharp mind, even at 84, that wasn’t why. It’s more of her martyr bullshit that feeds the remaining relationships she has. She can’t be loved for who she is, but if she makes a victim out of herself, she is sure to get the attention she needs. It is so sad to think that at her age she is still playing this game, and will play it to the end of her days.

She was better than that once.

I learned a lot of other details today: she has been terrified of falling for quite some time, this is the 3rd episode of falling/fracture in a fairly short time period, she has stopped taking her osteo meds for some reason, no one thought to ask why she has fallen before and if low blood pressure has anything to do with it, no one seems to be monitoring that, no one seems to be taking all of the above into account and analyzing it and coming up with a plan. Or else, they have and she is refusing said plans, knowing full well that the consequences — including a painful and unnecessary early death — are very possible and real. It makes for a dramatic exit, and she certainly has a flair for Le Drame.

I am the estranged daughter who lives 3000 miles away. I’ve been called selfish by some of them. Only my brother understands my choice and why I had to choose my life and sanity over their dysfunction.

So, it is difficult for me to communicate any thoughts on the matter as they will most likely be scoffed upon. I doubt there’s any way I could communicate it that wouldn’t seem critical of their efforts to take care of her to date. And maybe, that’s because I just don’t see how they could have ignored all of the above, unless proximity is blinding them to the fact that this is a big, fat WARNING SIGN with a huge red flag and blinking lights attached to it: she is no longer capable of living entirely on her own.

The last place I’d ever want to see her go would be some sort of nursing facility. I abhor those and I’ll refuse to ever be put in one. I wouldn’t put anyone I loved in one unless I truly had my back to the wall. Her house is big enough that she could easily have either a room-in helper or at least have someone visit a few times a week. And as far as I know, there is money to cover that type of expense.

My brother assured me all of the above is being considered. What worries me is that in our typical messed up family fashion, it will be discussed and then nothing will happen. But maybe this will be their wake-up call.

They do not know that my brother has cancer. He hasn’t told them for the same reason that I don’t communicate with them: no trust and a few other things. He feels that his cancer was very much a direct result of the toxic environment he grew up in, and I have to say, I agree. I think to tell them would be more than he can handle right now. But the fact that he is shouldering the responsibility of rounding up the troops, so to speak, when he is dealing with his own health crisis is just the sort of tragic that runs so rampant in my family.

If I weren’t pregnant, I might… I just might pick up the phone and try to step in. But I probably wouldn’t. It’s such a mine field.

I cried hot, salty tears in the shower. It hurt very much to not be able to shower her with as much love as I would have liked in a moment like this. You might read this and think, ‘oh, just call! go ahead and shower!’… but you don’t know the consequences of that phone call. I paid too dearly for too long to pick up that phone again, and that is a deep sorrow that I have to live with every day.

I ask myself often when, if ever, I will be strong enough to face her and if that will happen before she dies. So far, the answer has always been no. I will keep asking the question though.

I will send her flowers as soon as she is out of the ICU. They don’t allow flowers while she is in there. It will have to be enough for now.

And of course, all of this makes me think of my Little Twinklette and it has brought some clarity there. I don’t think it’s an accident or random that I am having a little girl. This is God giving me a chance to making many things right, to put things back on their right path. My mother gave me so many wonderful gifts, but they were far too often wrapped in pain and tragedy. I will be so grateful to have the opportunity to give my daughter a gift, hopefully many gifts, with no wrapping other than love, caring and happiness. I can pass along all the good of my family — of which there was an awful lot — without the darkness lurking in the corners.

I know I won’t be perfect, but I do believe I can do better. I do believe I will not make the same mistakes and I know with 100% certainty that I would never let the things that happened to me as a child happen to her.

So please, my Little Twinklette, and God, and The Universe and every other Force of Creation… let me have my chance. I am up for the task.

* * *

This post doesn’t even begin to express all the thoughts in my head these days. I could write for hours. So many things I have been thinking of. I will try to write when I have more energy.

Just one week shy of Third Trimester. I know I keep saying this, but… I still thank God every day that I am still pregnant and am so grateful to have come as far as I have come.

LT has been kicking up a storm again. Last night it was strong enough to make my belly pop and jiggle. Haven’t seen any little tiny hands or feet yet. I may have too thick of a layer of fat on my belly to ever see that; I’ll take pops and jiggles though.

Just got back from the Awesome Sports Chiro to whom we entrust with our boo-boos, including my annoying case of plantar fascitiis last year which he successfully treated. DH’s shoulder seemed to be getting worse while the rest of him is improving. The good news was that I didn’t totally f’ up by not taking him to ER. I iced within a few hours of the injury, and I did wake him at 4:30am to make sure he was still okay.  The bump on his head is much better and there’s been no dizzyness or nausea, so I think we very luckily escaped any significant head trauma. I shudder to think what would have happened if he’d had no helmet. He’s smart enough to know never to do that, thank goodness. I can’t believe the number of people I see on the street every day with no helmet. It’s just not a good idea. I’d like to show them his cracked helmet.

His shoulder is not broken, torn or dislocated, but it’s definitely not happy. The ASC worked his magic and we’re icing it again now. Should improve, but we’ll have to see.

* * *

A wonderful article came out in the NYTimes today. A guest column by a woman who decided to end fertility treatments after years of no success. If you’ve read Coming2Terms’ blog, you know that she also made this very difficult and painful decision a while back. I think about this and women who are struggling with treatments that aren’t working a lot. Please know that as I write this, it is not from a ‘hey, I’m on easy street now!’ position. I don’t consider myself out of the woods yet, and I still worry quite a bit. And if we are lucky enough to make it all the way to a healthy girl in our arms, I will never really be in that position. Once you’ve lived through this and known others who have, you can never really forget what it was like. I think some might try, but they are deceiving themselves.

So I am always glad to see these women speaking out about infertility and life without children. We need more compassion around the issue of having children. We need more understanding that ‘just adopting’ or ‘just moving on to DE’ is not as easy as it sounds. I say this having been guilty of of encouraging women to move on to DE, and truly, I only ever did it thinking I had their best interests at heart. But if I have learned one thing from all of this, it is that there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution when you are dealing with infertility. We can only do what works for us as individuals and work from there.

I am pained that some choices end up dividing women who’ve been through this — but I’m not sure there’s any way around that, unfortunately. You can be as compassionate as you want, but sometimes it will just be too painful for women who’ve had to shut the door on any hopes of having children. I understand that and am frustrated by it at the same time. It’s hard enough for women to have healthy relationships at times, why do we have to add one more competitive, judging factor to the mix? While there are certainly far too many blissfully fertile idiots who hurt other women on a regular basis, it can hurt as much when you lose a friend because they can no longer handle a You With Children. And I am fortunately not speaking from experience here, but I’ve seen it happen. It’s more sadness on top of sadness. A Sad Sandwich with an Extra Side of Sad.

Anyway, it’s a great article and I highly encourage you all to read and comment as you see fit. Personally, I’m a little shocked (but not surprised) to see as many ‘oh please, just adopt!’ comments, but there are quite a few of them, sadly. I also encourage you to check out Coming2Terms’ blog, she has a link to her own article that came out recently, and it’s very well written as well.

A rather lovely woman, Millie, who I have had the pleasure of meeting in person over lunch, is at the tail end of her baby dream: she is flying home from Texas with a baby in her arms today. I have been following her adoption story for quite some time and have seen her go through several too-close-for-comfort letdowns as they searched for the right baby. Her search has ended and as of this very minute, Millie is holding her daughter. She has a particularly beautiful adoption story, full of love. I don’t know if I could ever handle doing adoption this way, but I am moved and inspired by how they’ve done it.

Hop on over and send some congratulations. It’s a whole new world for Millie and her girl! And her husband. Congratulations to the Happy New Family!

Update: I should have mentioned that Millie is quite a veteran of the world of ART. Too many IVF and DE cycles (including multiple ectopics) to count before moving on to adoption, and all kinds of caring advice given to newbies like myself. Millie helped me understand a lot of things when the world of DE was very scary and new, so I am especially glad to see her with a happy ending. Congratulations again, Millie and family!

Second Update: Well, I misunderstood this one a bit. Millie wasn’t flying home that day; she had just booked some tickets. It seems like things are not completely solidified yet. I am peeved because I know she’s been through too much already and it just seems a little too unfair that this gets drawn out any longer. I wonder if the baby’s birth family realizes how much she has been through?

Here’s wishing them a speeding resolution. I could only hope that I could be this strong in a similar situation.

I just about peed my panties in bed this weekend after reading this comment from Christina on my iPhone. Apparently, ‘pregnancy rhinitis’ is a rather common phenomena, yet another one I’d never heard of before. My husband is suffering pretty horribly from it. Me? Apparently I snore like a truck driver for hours on end and it’s been going on for a while. Sometimes I wake myself up with a giant ‘zzzzzhhhooort’ in the middle of the night or a nap, so I know it’s got to be bad. Poor fellah.

I was freaking out about LT’s kicks this weekend, even though I’m not supposed to be counting them yet. They’d been pretty strong in the last few weeks, then seemed to die down. But she is fine. I did a couple of tests and all seemed fine. And then at 4:30am this morning, she was kicking pretty strong again. As well as just a little while ago after I ate, so I think we’re fine.

The DH is not so fine. On top of the snoring, he had a pretty bad wipeout on his bike yesterday. Fortunately not a lot of bloodshed, but a medium-sized bump on his head, a swollen lump on his thigh where he took a lot of the force of the spill. And his shoulder is mighty sore. He fell hard enough that he cracked his helmet. I iced everything and the swelling on his head seems better. He is acting fine so no trip to the ER, at least for now. It worried me a lot that he fell so hard he cracked his helmet. It hurts when he walks and I think it will be a day or two before he’s feeling better. Kinda scary what can do to yourself on a bike. And he’s an experienced cyclist. I told him no more street riding. Parks or trails only. I’m not into being a single mom, ya know?

I seem to be sleeping better. It’s less about insomnia now, and more about having to get up 3-4 times a night to pee. But I seem to be able to get back to sleep better. I am waking up at 7 or 8, my usual time. And I feel much more rested. Really hoping this continues as I was worried about my sleep deprivation.

I went to get some milk at our neighborhood deli/store this morning. I know the owner there as I’m an infrequent regular. I have often gazed wistfully at his darling little boy. This morning as I brought my purchases to the counter he greeted me with a ‘Are you expecting?’ I wasn’t sure he said that and said ‘Excuse me?’ To which he quickly backtracked with a ‘How are you doing?!’ and a flustered look. I replied ‘Did you ask if I’m expecting? That’s a dangerous question, you know!’, teasing him. He wasn’t quite sure how to answer until I said ‘Yes, I am expecting!’ with a big smile, and he knew he was off the hook. He explained that he’d asked that question once and was wrong (horrors!) We talked about it for a bit until his next customer came… so nice to be noticed!

I scored on some more baby clothes this weekend. $45 for some very gently worn items: 2 darling flowered dresses, 1 pink jean jacket embroidered with roses, 2 sun hats, 2 Jacadi jumpers (one never worn), a restaurant/shopping cart protector and 2 super warm snuggly suit thingies (no feet, just arms) that will be perfect for December through April when things can get nippy around here. After our mostly cool summer, I predict a chilly fall and winter. I know I said I wasn’t going to buy used clothing, but it just doesn’t add up to spend the big bucks for things she’ll wear for less than a year. I’ll probably continue to buy some things used as she grows, I just don’t see any reason to buy everything brand new. Goodness knows there are probably tons of barely used baby clothing floating around this area; I doubt I’ll have any problems finding what I need.

Well, that’s all I’ve got peeps. So excited to be so close to 28 weeks.

Two weeks from the big 28! Missed my 25 week update, but there wasn’t much to report. Uneventful is such a good thing, n’est-ce pas? And OMFG, I just saw that my ticker is under the 100 day mark. Happy happy joy joy!

LT has been dancin’ her pants off in there. I got worried (of course!) when it seemed to slow for a few days, but then when I counted kicks she was just fine. Saw Dr. B yesterday who said I don’t need to be counting yet, but what the heck. She measured me, we listened to the heartbeart — ‘perfect!’ were the words she used. Music to my ears.

And then we had a chat about H1N1. She’s not pushing it, and that’s a good thing, cuz I ain’t takin’ it! LOL And before y’all start running down to that comment box, please, no dire warnings about the vaccine and the stats and why I need to take it, blah, blah, blah. Because I DO NOT BUY IT. And if you want to know why, google any of the following:

1. US government granting full immunity to pharma companies who are making the vaccine. Seriously, who does that? Before any trouble has even started?

2. The vaccine will contain mercury and squalene. They scare the crap out of us about eating fish with even a drop of mercury, and yet they want to shoot me and my baby up with that? I don’t think so. And just wait till you research squalene a bit.

3. A 6-8 week testing period for a brand new vaccine? Not in this body, or my daughter’s.

4. I don’t get the flu. Have never had it. I plan to basically quarantine myself for the next few months, other than doctor visits. Fortunately, I have a lifestyle that supports that. Hand-washing and meticulous sanitation are something that everyone should practice, but you can bet I’ll be extra vigilant about it.

5. My brother knows boatloads about natural immunity because of his cancer treatments. He agreed that there is no way in hell I should take the vaccine and has provided a lot of info on how to build up your immunity naturally, which both the DH and I will be doing.

6. If you look at the facts of who stands to gain from many vials of the vaccine being sold, it’s all a little suspicious.

7. The ‘numbers’ aren’t adding up. H1N1 was supposed to have ‘ravaged’ the southern hemispheres in the last few months (their winter.) It simply has not. Yes, there have been fatalities, but far fewer than the 36,000 that die IN THE US ALONE each year from the ‘regular’ flu.

8. How about the H1N1 combo: swine, avian and human flu? All in one bug? And we’re supposed to believe that this occurred naturally? When there are a number of experts that have stated publicly that would be impossible? Again, I don’t think so. I don’t know how or why this virus was created, but it’s suspicious.

9. The stats on pregnant fatalities is skewed because the numbers overall are off. So the 6%, 15% that you might be hearing is simply not accurate.

I am amazed at the number of people who, having just witnessed our country endure incredibly blatant scandal and corporate corruption that was solved by having US, the taxpayers, bail these corporations out with OUR OWN TAX DOLLARS, believe that everything the government and corporations do is in our best interest and good and honest and all that jazz. Wake up, people. There are some really dark and shady ties between the US government and corporations. If your eyes are even half-way open, you can figure them out.

And in case you’re wondering, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, nor do I wear tin foil hats, etc., but some things are just too odd to fly past my radar without some questions. I’m 45 years old and I know BS when I see it, these days.

* * *

Anyway… enough about that baloney. We saw two pediatricians this week, one on Tuesday, one today.

Tuesday was a character straight out of a Dr. Seuss tale… tall, thin, wonky eyes, funky earth shoes, embroidered hippy top… but she won’t push any vaccines we wouldn’t want to do and is open to delayed scheduling (and confirmed that this is not at all harmful, btw.) I liked her personality quite a bit. Loopy but informed and confident, very warm and someone that kids would probably not feel afraid around. She had little animals all over her stethoscope which I loved. She works in a big, bustling, very popular office. The lobby looked like it had seen a lot of kids and was kinda’ grimy which I did not like. I’ve heard that scheduling/billing issues can be difficult there because it’s such a big practice. She’s a maybe at this point.

Today was a big fat NO. Oh. My. God. Let’s call her Dr. Bitch. Cuz that’s basically what she was. I loved her office at first: small, clean, quiet, hardwood floors. She, however, radiated an unpleasant vibe from the minute we met. I think she was peeved that we were (gasp!) 10 minutes late (she was in the lobby when we got there.) Once we got in her office, her demeanor was a bit stiff and sort of generally unhappy/not having a good time and when we began to voice our concerns about vacccines — while being very clear that we are not at all totally anti-vax and that in fact, we’ll probably do most recommended vaccines — she was flat out rude. She interrupted my husband and said ‘I don’t think we’re a good fit’ as he started to question her about vaccines and mercury. To be fair, he did come off as a bit angry (because the subject upsets him a lot) but the way she handled it was not good. In her shoes, I would have checked out his fears a little more and tried to find out what was going on with that. His feelings seemed to just freak her out and she said ‘I am not interested in defending pharmaceutical companies and I’m not interested in having patients with whom I’d have to do that, blah, blah’. To which I said, ‘hey, no problem’ as she’d sealed the deal for me with her ‘we’re not a good fit’ comment. It was like she needed to flip the interview and be the one interviewing us. Um, we’d be paying YOU for the service, sweetheart. I don’t get what your creds are, I don’t need to be patronized or pushed around by a doctor. Which I have a funny feeling she would do.

I let DH keep talking to her a bit. She asked me if I had any other questions. And I took great pleasure in smiling sweetly at her and saying ‘None for me. I think I know all I need to at this point.’ And that ended that.

DH and I laughed our way back to the car because, seriously, was there any reason for her to be such a bitch? Especially when I had called her office specifically to make sure hers was an office that would not have an issue with ’boutique’ vaccinations? And was told, oh yes, this is the right place for you… FAIL.

To be perfectly honest, I felt judged by her. I didn’t meet her standards for a ‘good’ patient. I wear makeup, I’m a little booby (especially these days.) And looking at her sour, unsmiling face, I could just feel her doing an inventory on my person. Which is something I *really* don’t like, on top of not being listened to. And think that is the bottom line here: this was a doc who clearly had her own thoughts and seemed to jump to conclusions very quickly. As soon as I said, ‘we’re not 100% pro-vax’, she seemed to immediately peg us as non-vaccinating nutjobs… which we so are not! What-evah, lady!

We see another one next week. Hoping she’ll be the one that’s just right. I’m realizing how important it is to do these interviews and glad that getting an early start on it so that we’re not finding someone at the last minute is a very good thing indeed.

So glad it’s a long weekend. Hope you all find some peace and happiness in the next few days.

Till next time…

This is in honor of Kate, who is a lovely blogger and has been a constant and thoughtful commenter. She also puts up with my probably too DE-oriented comments on her IVF blog, without ever getting pissed at me. For that, I should bake up a batch of these and send ‘em over. They wouldn’t make it, so this is the next best thing. Hope you like them, m’ dear. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

Blueberry Muffins (base recipe from the Barefoot Contessa)

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup medium cornmeal
1 tablespoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoons salt
3/4 cups whole milk (low-fat is okay too)
1/4 pound (one stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled
1 extra-large egg
1 cup blueberries (or 1/2 blueberries, 1/2 raspberries, or 1 cup of any other fruit you like)
Demerara sugar (or any sugar you like, bigger crystals are best)

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine the flour, sugar, cornmeal, baking powder, and salt in mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, combine the milk, melted butter, and eggs and mix just until egg is incorporated. Slowly pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir until they are just blended. Spoon the batter into the muffin tin (paper liners optional), filling each one to the top*. Sprinkle tops of muffins with sugar.

Bake for 30-45 minutes, until the tops are crisp and a toothpick comes out clean. Cool slightly and remove from the pan.

*If using a normal size muffin pan, fill to top. If using jumbo muffin pan, fill about 2/3 to top. Normal muffin pan will yield 12; jumbo will yield 6.

Oh man, I want to go make another batch…